You thought that dropping a class in the middle of a party, because you didn't want to study for the midterm, was funny. You thought that it was a party trick. It became your party trick. 

“When I first came to Penn, I thought I had the world at my fingertips,” Clyde Orear (C ‘22) recalled, eyes watery. “But it turns out all they teach you here is how to use Analysis ToolPak.”

I also think historians should "stop using the fucking Enlightenment to explain every aspect of 18th-century western birthrate trends.”

"I’d do a lot of stuff for $10. Like I mean, while I do value my dignity, my valuation of it is only $6 — on a good day.”

Keystone Light came in at a close second.

The decision comes in an attempt to curb the rampant complaints of second-hand smoke within the house.

Students have been lobbying for this change for years, claiming Penn’s “two-finger” strap width and “no athletic pants” policies are vague, outdated, and originate from elitist, sexist ideologies.

Lindsay Lohan, chairwoman of SEPTA, told Under the Button about the years of high-level thinking that went into this decision: “Our riders expect their trolley rides to be violent, unpredictable, and uncontrollable."

“I personally think Odyssey is a catalyst for social change,” Parsons said. “There are conversations that people need to be having, like such as about how feminism is just not super important for me personally, and it’s fine if it is for you, but I need you to respect my point of view as a writer.”

“I just feel like we should be listening to ALL worldviews, even the underworld views. Let’s not judge a book by its cover, or a demon by his scales, as I always say.”

“My family did all get murdered, and I didn’t really have a good time dancing or whatever, but at least I got a photo that looked good.” 

“I don’t have solutions for the packet. I want to prevent cheaters from copying and cheating on this optional, creditless review packet. Have a nice day, and go fuck yourself.”

Surely, we must thank this valiant hometown hero for reminding Karen that the bags under her eyes could carry all of her textbooks at once.

Breathe easy and rest even easier at night because no one is going to doubt your radical politics anymore. 

You know what is so crazy is that I just finished the homework by myself and I was wondering if maybe, if you wanted, you could tell me what the answers are and then I could tell you what answers I got! 

“Finally!” Rafael Picazso, Wharton ‘23, told UTB reporters. “It’s about time we started getting some actual therapy around here.

With Fresh Grocer closing soon, here's a photo tour of the place where everyone will be headed in the next couple of weeks: the CVS food section.

British exchange student Jessica Cannon had a “top drawer” weekend. “Lit rally had the time of my lyfe. Last night was a film luv.” said Cannon. “I quite liked it.”

“I always enjoy Team Snapchat’s messages,” Pon says. “After watching them once, I replay them to watch it again. I hope they don’t mind. I just want to make the most out of it, you know.” 

It’s puffy, black, and really warm. It’s got my phone, wallet, and sense of self-worth attached to it so it’s, like, really important that I get it back.