You piece of garbage. We know that you haven't even started our application yet, you absolute fucking mess of a human being. What have you even been doing? Homework? A likely story.  

 4. "Pledging is Just Like the American Immigration Process!"

“Since freshman year, I’ve been throwing all types of coins in there,” said Phenn. “Pennies, dimes, nickels, half-dollars, dollar coins, bitcoins — but nothing has worked."

Meet the Penn senior who combines aromatic spices with dried fruits!

“Yeah, when I heard she was a feminist, I definitely rolled my eyes,” Chad said, shrugging his shoulders, “but I didn’t threaten to boycott the ceremony." He’s so progressive! 

Baker, who refused to concentrate in business analytics in order to focus on finance and real estate, applied for  citizenship in order to stay at Blackstone in New York for a little longer, but little did he know he would now be able to vote as well!

Gone are the days of CS:GO and StarCraft II: Cavalcanti now uses his lil’ battlestation to explore the vast and welcoming realm of digital pleasures.

“If you guys thought the midterm was tough, try weeding the entire backyard in time for dinner,” Dunkin reminisced, staring off into the distance. “Now that’s what I call tough.”

According to a statement released on Monday, the powers that be "have decided that the departure of Bobby's Burgers from campus is a well-timed catalyst for the university to implement an extensive plan for improving student wellness."

The doctor continued to explain that despite not having been anywhere with very high or low altitude recently, Brandon’s elevated sense of self-worth had actually given him altitude sickness. 

In a world fueled by identity politics, it’s only right that we embrace Peet Buuttigieg’s identity as a dirty little rat boy.

The entire student and faculty body is required to attend this historic event. This will be Camila’s fiftieth concert of the year. It will not be recorded because nobody would watch it, so make sure to bring your A-game, Penn!

Although scientists are unclear about the exact causal relationship that exists between the two, the data does seem to suggest that there is a clear connection between the consumption of soy milk and the adoption of “homosexual tendencies.”

“Wow, your Valentine must really like peaches,” commented a student standing in line behind Pearlmin. Pearlmin turned around and smiled nervously. 

A national tragedy has occurred: news has recently come out that Fresh Grocer will be forced to close by none other than Penn’s own Undergraduate Assembly. “Why,” you ask? It’s simple.

"I'm going home to watch television! Alone! In my bed!" she says while skipping with glee on the empty and bleak Philadelphia streets, having escaped what seemed like Pascal's cave.

“It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV,” said Wharton sophomore Roger Smith about his decision to study abroad in the small New England town of Quahog, Rhode Island.

See if you can identify each of these campus structures based on my fine arts degree worthy drawing of it. Slide the slider back and forth over each picture to reveal the answer!

"FirstServices has definitely asked me to do gross things for minimum wage in the past, but never this."

Surgical masks were donned and chilled bottles of Corona were shared as everyone moshed to “Sicko Mode” and discoed to “Stayin’ Alive”