“This was our toughest dig yet,” noted Lee, who has conducted decade-long digs in Oman, Iraq, and Mongolia.

"This is fucking bullshit," remarked Perry as he scoured Airbnb to find a new home. "I built this entire establishment with my own bill and beavertail. Do these fuckers even know who I AM? My name is Agent Fucking P, and you'll be hearing from me in court."

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Well, it might be time to rethink the premise of that philosophical inquiry.

There’s nothing quite like being hit with the smell of a freshly lit cigarette as you exit the library fresh from an all-nighter, probably being smoked by someone speaking a language you don’t understand.

Much to the chagrin of her husband, she appears to be scheming new gentrification initiatives left-and-right, most recently approving the development of a 4th high-rise in the small alcove where the local West Philadelphia rabbits reside.

When asked by a reporter if, instead, the university could simply just stop hazing its students, the president replied, “No.”

Henry is a 21-year-old Wharton student with a love of Corona and a mild case of scurvy. He and his roommates (Chad, Brad, and Mad (short for Madthew)) have three fridges in their Hamilton Court apartment. And yet, a thorough inspection of these fridges would yield not a single vegetable. We sat down with Henry to learn more about his story.

Onlookers report that Gutmann strutted into the Tropicana casino Saturday night and barreled straight to the roulette table, saying, "I'll put the Class of 2024's financial aid on red, please."

Packaged as part of a broader initiative aimed at deepening ties between the Pentagon and Google, campus recruiters are seeking to appeal to Penn students’ sense of patriotic duty, unaware they have none.

According to firsthand reports, biology students have agreed to hold out until Dorsett at least discovers New Order.

Penn has given no formal comment on renting out college dorm rooms, however, Wharton Entrepreneurs is offering seed funds for anyone wishing to take advantage of this inefficiency in the free market.  

Another year, another round of sexy, sexy UTB Valentine's Day cards for that special someone.

Despite internal feelings that you were, “very weird,” and, “couldn’t stop talking,” you actually appeared as a graceful debutant, making the person you interacted with incredibly nervous, embarrassed, and even ashamed to be in your presence.

Jasmine Ling (C '20), who received a fingernail-bed infection this winter, "doesn't mind that it hurts to type or to even tie [her] shoes. The body takes care of these things."

She will stop for a coffee once, maybe twice. If she grows weary, she will rest on a bench in a public green space.

Hello again. Sorry for ghosting you for a month. I really thought you would forget I exist, but I guess we have Stats together… and Econ… and Intro to Geology. Anyways I would stop going to those classes completely because I hate them, but there’s this super hot girl who I honestly might need as a rebound after we — oh yeah by the way, can we talk?

"This was a major security risk for Grace, her fellow passengers, and ultimately everyone in this airport. We had no choice but to destroy it," TSA Agent Richard Yu told UTB staff.

“Ccc...rrr……... ONCH.” Oh God. Jessica froze. She looked around, the nib of carrot resting on her tongue. Could her classmates hear her? Had they noticed her shame?

Say goodbye to your frontal lobe and say hello to a whole new world! A talented team of specialized doctors have decided that you should not think anymore.

One time I thought I saw her, but it was just a very lifelike looking tree with yellow leaves. And that was in the fall.