I’ll tell him that he shouldn’t be embarrassed about his nightly holy prayer and that he’s free to perform it whether I’m asleep or not. As long as he doesn't insist for me to join him.  

When pressed, Moffit admitted that she can only achieve orgasm if there is a Leuchtturm1917 college-ruled notebook in her immediate vicinity.

Everyone knows that a strut is trendier than a walk, so it should come as no shock that the highly vaunted magazine has chosen this name. The real question is, what took them so long?

McKenzie was really feeling herself that night and decided she wanted to share with her devoted Instagram followers just how great she was feeling. And what better way than with a nude on her rinsta! “Iconic!!”

"I just think that private enterprise is fundamentally corrupt," remarked Rogers, as he exited his first-class airplane seat returning from his interview which could have easily been conducted via Skype.

Joseph, a high school student with an average 5k time, is one of 10 top students in her 80-person private school class. On top of that, she did research at Penn—and not even for a family friend. 

What will you be having tonight? Hmmmm a margarita of course! You’ve worked hard, you deserve a treat. And to eat? Maybe some tofu tacos – something plant-based because you’re such a great person. They only give the car table to the best of the best, you know. 

In a school often singularly focused on chasing prestigious internships and post-graduate job offers, a club providing an avenue for students to let loose with some harmless fun is definitely a breath of fresh air. 

According to reports, the decision that “Penn Engineering students must learn basic literacy” comes after learning that over 90% of the student body couldn’t read the self-help books every incoming freshmen received.

Walking to class Thursday morning, Jessica saw Bethany for the first time this year. The two girls were walking on Locust when they made eye contact, lost eye contact, and then accidentally made eye contact again.

 “We have spent years refining our mixture, experimenting by adding ingredients to our floorboards,” said Chad Dang, the leader of the Omega Tau human glue-trap project.  The ingredients of their formula purportedly include many different types of alcohol, sugar, cocaine, human secretions, and other substances. 

A dumpster fire broke out in my brain this afternoon and has yet to be extinguished.

Canada Goose hopes this will contribute to both stopping climate change and the bad press from PETA. 

Although a registered Democrat, Scrabis did not vote in the 2016 election. “I'm still on the fence," Scrabis said. "I've seen 47 Bloomberg ads, but I think I really need one more to convince me.” 

Arnold, a PPE major, looked his girlfriend in the eyes for the first time, excited to strut his knowledge of politics, philosophy, and economics: “Actually, Bernie is the same age as Trump. And it is a verifiable scientific fact that he is more likely to win the presidency than Warren, because he is a man and she is a woman. Also, I don’t know if you know what this means, but Bernie would be much better for the economy.

“To all those near and dear to me, I regret to inform you that I will no longer be engaging with you physically, socially, or emotionally. From this day forward, I plan to eat, sleep, and breathe music — my music. That I am making. I am making music,” Sampson wrote in a recent Instagram post.

“Now that’s chutzpah,” Dr. Rabinowitz concluded. “And kid, you won’t get nowhere if you don’t got chutzpah.”

After biking to Di Bruno Bros on a fancy bike, François, whose superiority over American bikes you cannot even begin to comprehend, walked in and began the selection process for the most cultured yogurts money could buy. François carefully weighed each Chobani and Siggi’s in his hands, knocking to check for ripeness and smelling to test for… aroma. You wouldn’t understand.

The naked old man, who said his name is Harold but declined to give his last name, said his behavior made complete sense. 

After a campus wide poll, Under the Button Dot Com is proud to announce that this year’s most popular pets are a loose rat and a box of bugs. These trendy pets come with many benefits and are relatively easy to take care of—the perfect pet for any busy college student. The more one researches these cuddly cuties, the more one understands why so many students on campus are adding a loose rat and a box of bugs to their home.