Hey funky ladies. You thought classes could only double count? Nah-uh, sweet face. That’s what they want you to think. Here’s the one class that quattuordecuple counts for all 14 of those foundational requirements and sector requirements.

After a recent multi-million dollar donation by James Politics, PPE is getting a major name change. After years of placing philosophy first in its three-pronged list, PPE is relegating it to the second P slot. 

New College House West construction is starting to really pick up steam, with all of the equipment beginning to fire on all cylinders. 

Because student mental wellness is of the utmost importance to Penn, the University has chosen to invest 1.5 hundred dollars in a state-of-the-art swing set, bought secondhand from a nearby elementary school.

Although no one can be certain of the exact day, every prepared citizen should have a well-thought-out plan. 

PennCAPS will offer two types of “mental relief rooms”: the padded room and the rage room.

“Did you see the way the trees were, like, breathing? I really want that to happen to me, too. The scenery was just so pretty.”

Although the Quakers have struggled to overcome their acute attraction to their supremely sexy mascot, they have managed to recover some dignity these past three weekends by not losing to Cornell. The storied Penn-Princeton rivalry has been a source of much excitement on campus and has captured the attention of maybe six Penn students over the past 20 years. 

“I’m subscribed to 48 email newsletters, and I mark every single one of them as read,” said one Wharton senior, Jared Johnson. “I want every single person behind me in my 9 A.M. to know that no bit of news is worthy of my time.

“Our community has been overrun with gamer virgins. I won’t allow it. #resist”. The proposed legislation could be found in an attached google doc. 

Fibonacci produced streams of artichokes, pine cones, and broccoli, all of which began to pile up in front of the rickety frat house door.

After losing his favorite pair of Wonder Woman socks when an inpatient devil took his laundry out of the machine for him, Engineering freshman Kevin Allister has taken to extreme measures to protect the rest of his Wonder Woman clothing merchandise.

Sinclair apparently believed that “James Jonathan’s” was the real name of the sandwich shop and that Jimmy John’s was simply “another of your preposterous American colloquialisms.” 

There was simply no other explanation for scoring so abysmally. The gigantic “BAD” written across the bottom of the page? Done between self-satisfied sips of piña colada, Juarez figured.

The truck was called “FedEx,” which I assumed to be some version of Tex Mex.

Mendez proceeded to spend the rest of the recitation lightly resting his chin on the hand, leaving the X in view of quite literally everyone in the class. 

She wondered if she had been misled when she visited Penn during spring break in her junior year of high school. “There were people playing frisbee on College Green,” she said. “Their serotonin levels seemed perfectly balanced.”

Certain Alabama senators have already taken the lead, and a ban of anyone under 65 voting may be underway. Some other architects of society have proposed legislation for banning the existence of non-boomers.

Jenny Buchmann is just trying to “fuck shit up” with her “girl gang." 

“We were completely blindsided… that the law students actually made something happen,” said one design student who asked to remain anonymous. “We figured the administration would never listen to any backlash, but I guess all those yet to be lawyers did their yet to be lawyer thing.”