This weekend, during the monthly Admissions Office GBM, ardent Eagles fan and Penn Dean of Admissions Eric Furda supposedly led the search for Penn's best and brightest new students. However, sources on the inside report that "nobody really reads the applications since we switched from the Common App to a Google Survey link."

IFC Spokesman and Wharton junior Chad Buchanan III explained how fraternities’ concern with gender representation in media prompted their commitment to having their parties pass the Bechdel Test, a set of criteria which requires that two women talk to each other about something other than a man. 

The food truck will have the familiar comforts of a perpetually empty chocolate milk machine, tiny oranges that aren’t worth the effort to peel, and too much fucking pineapple. 

Everywhere from VP to the Highrise Sky Lounges, Orgo students can be found playing with their rod and balls, trying new positions and configurations.

For 15 minutes, Stephanie continued to express her disbelief that the AIDS crisis was even a thing, referencing her boyfriend, Lady Gaga, and the ‘miracle of PrEP’ multiple times.

“Putin wouldn’t return my calls, and, to be fair, Zelensky sounds pretty Russian. So one thing led to another. You know...we all make mistakes. How was I supposed to know Ukraine wasn’t Russia?"

Even though she isn’t “geographically” a “resident” of New York City, she completely identifies as a New Yorker, both spiritually and as an artist. 

Stephanie loves using Twitter. She loves it so much, in fact, that she can immediately tell whether or not a person is on Twitter when she first meets them.

My allocation of time only got more efficient as I learned to hedge my friendships. 

This isn’t a solo bingo game either: Gutmann has some steep competition to go up against. Martha E. Pollack of Cornell and Peter Salovey at Yale are both in on the action. Whoever completes their respective card first gets an all-new 2003 Kia Sorento. 

First hitting headlines after its involvement in the 2016 Presidential election, the paid Internet troll industry was in desperate need of customers in light of the scandal now centered around it. They reached out to a number of potential revenue sources including Latin American despots, the search engine Bing, and Yahoo News. 

Grumpier and somehow more entitled than before, students everywhere have had it up to here with this campus’ cutthroat culture (unless they’re the ones winning). Here are five things that might just make you act on those intrusive thoughts you get listening to someone talk about their completed assignment.

On any other Monday morning, she would have reached menopause before getting to the Harrison lobby.

Bryce reported that the first time he added poppers to his diffuser, he was put in a coma for three weeks, during which he had a manic fever dream about Catholic theater camp.

Let’s just say she’s making different foods fuck.  

The new dorm building, which will be designed by famed 6-year-old architect Calvin and his associate Hobbes, will be built using materials supplied by Amazon@Penn. For instance, walls and structural elements will be constructed with cardboard and fastened with postage tape; recycling bins will be used as toilets. 

While sitting in his PSYC 162 lecture, Doyle perfectly spelled physiological in his notes.

Natasha posted on her LinkedIn later that night. u201cThis does not reflect on my character as a worker and was a one time mistake. This does not represent who I am.u201d

Slowly undo the velcro on both shoes. Really draw it out so that people will think that you’re done before hearing even more separating velcro.

FFP is part of a larger international divestment movement, led by 350.org. Since its inception seven years ago, the campaign has been so effective in moving capital away from the fossil fuel industry that it was cited by Peabody Energy as one of the primary reasons they were forced to declare bankruptcy in 2016.