Report: New UTB Staff Writer Patrick Rich Actually Very Cool, Nice
Several informants confirmed that Patrick could often be seen looking cool while being nice to people around campus.
News
BREAKING: Congress Confirms United States a Mistake
On Friday, the details for dismantling the United States were summarized, but the full report won’t be released until the following month.
Report: New UTB Staff Writer Patrick Rich Actually Very Cool, Nice
Several informants confirmed that Patrick could often be seen looking cool while being nice to people around campus.
Penn Baseball Loses Fall Scrimmage to Mr. Richard’s 4th Grade Team
After tying the game 2-2, things went downhill fast for Penn. In the top of the 4th inning, Mr. Richard sent the hounds. With their three best hitters up to bat next, the team of scrappy, prepubescent boys put up eight runs in that inning alone, essentially ending the game.
BREAKING: Congress Confirms United States a Mistake
On Friday, the details for dismantling the United States were summarized, but the full report won’t be released until the following month.
Deeply Misguided Professor Thinks Students Will Finish Book Each Week
McElhanney adopted the misguided idea that his students had the time or desire to read a book a week after gaining tenure and forgetting the feeling of stress.
Autumnal Baddie Patiently Awaiting the Day in Which She Can Assume Her Final Form
Although the days might be growing shorter, the sunlight dimmer, and the leaves browner, something is a bit off about this fall season. It might be the fact that it’s October and still 85 degrees outside. You can’t even walk to class without people wondering whether you’ve gotten a new Glossier delivery or you just really sweat that much.
With Vocal Fry, Student Thinks He Is More Sophisticated
As a result of his increased feigning of self-perception, Istem has found himself surrounded by women who are now suddenly attracted to him.
Dean Furda First-Ever Penn Official to Apologize to Philadelphia Community
In this wholly unprecedented turn, Furda looked in the mirror and saw a man capable of possessing both power and penitence. Acknowledging that his public tirade at the Philadelphia Eagles game was demeaning to the local sports community and the city as a whole, he defied nearly 300 years of university policy.
Quiz: Did You Go to Ritzy Boarding School?
So you’ve been talking to a guy for a little bit, but you just can’t tell how boujee he really is.
Meet Stan, the Sophomore Determined to Photobomb Every Date Night Picture
Here he is at the Maclay family reunion last September.
Signing into a High Rise? Please Have Your Penn Card and a Blood Sample out and Ready
Has your guest every been to Six Flags Magic Mountain? That makes a difference in which tiny piece of paper I give them to put in a basket literally seven feet away. Oh wait, it’s a Tuesday before 2pm? Then I’m going to need your mother’s maiden name as well.
Busy and Elite Pre-Professional Student Uses Slack During Lecture
Carlos Howard is only a freshman, but he’s already in three clubs, and all three of them use Slack. It goes without saying that Carlos is very important and constantly busy.
Student Walks 45 Minutes to Capital One Cafe to Do 15 Minutes of Work
John read five pages of his pop-psych freshman writing seminar book, then wrote down all of his tasks for that day, then decided that he was sad, so he picked up his things and headed back to Penn’s campus.
Art Hoe Alert! Jenny Knows How to Use a Disposable Camera
Jenny decided to pick up a Fujifilm disposable to take cute pics of her friends drinking various types of spiked seltzer.
With Midterms Looming, Spotted Lanternflies Thrive on the Compass
As midterms season approaches, superstitious freshmen are more diligent than ever in their evasion of the compass. Unfortunately, spotted lanternflies have recognized this trend and are using it to further their agenda for survival, reproduction, and ecological destruction.
No Fair! Nerd Who Actually Did Reading Seriously Hogging Spotlight in Class Discussion
Last Thursday, eyes from all around the classroom table peered enviously at Jesse Babin (C ‘22) as he flawlessly interpreted and explained a passage from Robert Smithson’s “Hotel Palenque,” effectively stealing the metaphorical spotlight in the room.
Bumble App to Only Let Bottoms Message First
However, we no longer live in a binary society of bashful woman and charming men. What about the coy gay bottoms and the dashing lesbian tops? What about the couples looking for a third? What about the little pig boys searching for the boots of a goddess to lick?
Big Turn On: This Guy Showed Me a Clip of His High School Touchdown on Our First Date
Rogerson High School had been down 20-24 in the fourth quarter against their rivals, Ridgeport High School, with just 12 seconds on the clock. The team had the ball at its own 30-yard line, and prospects were grim. That’s when Coach Matt told the team to play a hail mary like they’d practiced.
To Save Money, Pottruck Will Only Stay Open First 5 Days of Semester
According to Campus Recreation Director Dr. Saul Marsh, “the gym basically goes empty after week one.
Student Excited to See If Coffee Will Cause Euphoria or Anxiety Attack
Sometimes, when she pulls the short straw and winds up with an anxiety attack, she starts sweating and drops a class.
Quiz: Is Your Partner Working on the Presentation or Are They Just Speedrunning Minesweeper?
But as you begin your search for primary sources, you start to notice your partner acting a bit strangely. Clenched jaw, twitchy fingers, darting eyes…wait a second. Could it be? Is your partner speedrunning Minesweeper instead of working on the presentation? Take this quiz to find out!
