U.S. Women's Soccer Team Turns Down Amy Gutmann's Invitation to College Hall
"Under President Gutmann's leadership, Penn has really fallen on hard times. We've become the laughing stock of the world," stated Rapinoe.
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Inspirational: Man Hikes Across Entire Eastern Seaboard to Pick Up &pizza Order
“It only took a few hours for the cravings to really set in,” Perales recounted, a pained look on his face. “I knew I needed a Farmer’s Daughter in my belly, ASAP.”
U.S. Women's Soccer Team Turns Down Amy Gutmann's Invitation to College Hall
"Under President Gutmann's leadership, Penn has really fallen on hard times. We've become the laughing stock of the world," stated Rapinoe.
Life Hack: My Apartment Is Supposed to Be Quiet After Midnight, But I Can't Tell Time
Guess who’s laughing now? Certainly not my third grade classmates who made fun of me for my inability to tell time.
Inspirational: Man Hikes Across Entire Eastern Seaboard to Pick Up &pizza Order
“It only took a few hours for the cravings to really set in,” Perales recounted, a pained look on his face. “I knew I needed a Farmer’s Daughter in my belly, ASAP.”
Locust Walk Now Locust Run
“Students aren’t motivated enough,” Henry Williams Chief Officer of Campus Activity said. “I see them out here wasting time all day long. Well you know what? Time’s up. No more leisurely strolls. No more catching up with friends. This world is a rat race. In a few years, you’re going to have a mortgage to pay off, so run, don’t walk, to that Bain Info Session."
Rising Freshman: “Omg, How Many AP’s Are you Taking Next Semester?”
"It’d be awful if I had to find validation in something other than some arbitrary test score from a soulless, money-grubbing corporation.”
Penn Researchers Unable to Determine Why the Rhythm Room Exists
Everyone is confused when they go to the Cinemark and remember that there is, for whatever reason, a bar inside of it.
President Amy Gutmann Crosses 33rd St DMZ, Becomes First Penn President to Visit Drexel
"This marks a new chapter in relations between our two great institutions."
Summertime Magic! Formerly Popular Student Transforms Into a Friendless Hermit
According to sources close to McMillan, he has also forsaken kindness, self-respect, and basic human decency since leaving the Social Ivy.
Peanut? Pee? Nut? Penn Researchers Discuss God-Given Proof That Pee is Stored in the Balls
They found rock-hard evidence.
Penn Ranked 15th in Order of Colleges Listed On Dropdown Menu When You Type “University of Pennsylvania”
These schools only exist to confuse Penn students who are just trying to sign into their Xfinity on Campus accounts.
No Bueno: Beto O’Rourke and Cory Booker Fail Spanish 110
The two candidates found a CITsender email in their inboxes, informing them that their grades for Spanish 110 had been posted. Both opened the emails to find that they had received an F in the class.
Fox News' Tucker Carlson Reports: First Democratic Debate Who?
In their defense, Fox News hopped right into discussion after the debate had finished. "This is Tucker Carlson reporting from a green screen of the Democratic debates in China. This just in. Democrats: do they exist? And if so, I think I might hate them. Back to you, Jim."
Horrifying! Ambitious Student Intentionally Creates, Unleashes Minions in Chem Lab
“Why did it have to be minions? Let’s be real, we would be drowning in grant money had that kid made Flubber instead.”
Sad! Hypebeast Intern Disappointed Supreme Court Justices Own Nothing from Supreme
In a crushing wave of disappointment, Sandez then realized that the Supreme Court was in fact not the legal branch of the fashion company Supreme.
Penn Medicine, Confused, Moves 12.5-ton Sphincter for the First Time in 93 Years
For the first time in 93 years and also for the first time ever, Penn Medicine will be relocating their 12.5-ton Sphincter statue from the basement of HUP to the main lobby!
Student Living at Home Schedules House Meeting After Roommates Come Home Drunk from Aunt Linda’s Again
“Really you two?? I thought you raised me to never act like this,” said Samantha.
Breaking: Low-Tier Frat Bro Already Practicing His "Take a Lap" for Upcoming NSO Season
“Wait, how many girls do you have with you?” *rips juul* “Eh…Take a lap, guys.”
Rick is Back, Baby! Penn Book Center to Be Replaced by Frontera
"Kicking Rick out last semester really left a bad taste in our mouths — we knew we had to make it up to the poor guy."
Yikes! Sophie’s Facebook Suggested Friends Are Literally All Demons from Her Past
“I don’t know what I did to deserve this,” lamented Patterson, "I ghosted those people for a reason, Facebook."
Shocker! Your High School Math Teacher Still Thinks You're an Incompetent Piece of Shit
She knows who you are. She knows what you did. She’s your high school math teacher, and to her, you will always be an incompetent piece of shit.
