The arrest led to the discovery of 400 birds in basement of the suspect’s University City home, along with a map of 30th street station covered in red X’s, noting the spots at which birds have been released.

Members of the Philadelphia chapter of the Eugenicist Values Interest League (EVIL) were spotted in the Towne Building attending a lecture of EAS 203, a mandatory course for all engineering students. Their initial enthusiasm, however, was quickly dampened by the actual contents of the lecture.

Before I discovered Chez Yasmine, I was appalled by Penn's lack of SABSing locations.

Think about your intense, all-consuming crush instead of Jeff. Never confront them and feel constant dread about it because these are your last few weeks with them. Quickly, a dark cloud of imminent regret will envelop you and taint all of your experiences, including your Legal Studies class, instead of Jeff.

Freshman eyewitness, Shawn Lane spoke to the contents of the card. “I was able to get a closer look. The details were something like…” Lane proceeded to draw the notecard on a piece of paper, which we have transcribed below.

Seems like Ole Maxy forgot to come back to the land of the living after pulling an all-nighter working on his valuation of Toys R Us.

He’s a busy, busy boy with many important things to do, and he can’t be bothered to take care of himself or perform basic life functions.

 It's just like studying for a test. When you don't pay attention all semester, you cram the night before, and then you get an A.

Students everywhere are shocked to discover that they were really only fooling themselves with their own rose-tinted grades.

This summer, Kirkpatrick will be taking CHEM 241, CHEM 242, MATH 241, BIOL 203, BIOL 404, BIOL 407, and CIS 160 (just for fun, of course). Come fall of sophomore year, she will have completed seven full credits worth of pain.

After an interlude of adult male giggles and exclamations of surprise, culture expert Karamo Brown proclaims, "'Beauty' is knowing that you're worth it," while interior design expert Bobby Berk follows up with "Go out there and find your chosen family!"

With the light and smog from downtown, you can barely catch anything. That’s why this moon sighting is so, so crucial.

What can I say? I gave my long-term girlfriend a promise ring last week and we’re staying together through college.

If only the simulator had a drunk driving setting or an extramarital affair setting built in, it would be perfect.

Plans for her day of rest included skipping all of her classes, having brunch at a restaurant of her choice, purchasing three new pairs of shoes, and indulging in a Netflix bender.

Her trip came in the wake of an incredibly contentious election that put the future of a two-state solution on the line. Amazingly, Birthright managed to convince Sophie that Israel was less of a country with real world policy implications and more of a movie set for her very own eat, pray, love. 

I have compiled these photos of my European adventure to honor this sacred building in our time of collective grief. 

What kind of twisted soul enjoys blowing out the eardrums of everyone in a 5-mile radius?

Some classmates had begun to grow suspicious as Jackson sneezed six times merely during the conversation about possibly moving the class outdoors. 

Congratulations! You now possess the ability to make all of your native-speaking friends either sympathetic or uncomfortable.