BREAKING: Ultra Conservatives Now Advocating Fetuses’ Right to Bear Arms
If a fetus is not permitted to bear arms, how will we be protected against tyranny?
News
“OMG, Peggy Got Pregnant!” and Four Other Pieces of Juicy Hometown Gossip That You Don’t Care About Anymore
You have enough problems with your own uterus, so why should you care about the uterus of that girl from ninth grade bio?
BREAKING: Ultra Conservatives Now Advocating Fetuses’ Right to Bear Arms
If a fetus is not permitted to bear arms, how will we be protected against tyranny?
Campus Alert: Decent Assault Reported at 38th and Walnut
Look, I’ve seen better assaults, I’ve seen worse assaults. But honestly, as far as assaults go, it left a lot to be desired.
“OMG, Peggy Got Pregnant!” and Four Other Pieces of Juicy Hometown Gossip That You Don’t Care About Anymore
You have enough problems with your own uterus, so why should you care about the uterus of that girl from ninth grade bio?
Intellectual Sisters! Penn to Offer One-Time Summer Course on the James Charles/Tati Beef
Be honest with yourself, you're going to get so invested that you do all the research by yourself anyways, so why not get credit for it?
Oops! Professor Forgets that Students Are People, Too
Professor Shannon is happy to report that she currently enjoys an overall rating of 1.2 on Penn Course Review, and “is optimistic that in the coming semesters [she]’ll be able to bring her average up to the 1.25 range.”
Breaking: Chronic Masturbator Totally Edging during Gender Studies Lecture on Pornography
This class asked its students to examine: What is pornography? What makes something pornographic? For Thompson, and many others like him, the answer is absolutely everything.
Professor Totally Forgot About Course Evaluations, Just Brought Donuts for No Reason
Make sure to take an extra donut as you type, and remember that I also brought in Pop Ems too.
Past His Peak! Braden Will Have You Know That He Ran At Penn Relays In Middle School
“Oh! Wow! Penn Relays is going on right now?” said Braden in an interview, clad in his old high school track uniform and Penn Relays hat. “I literally had no idea. But while we’re on the subject…”
Resourceful: Guy Puts Meme in Presentation to Mask Own Unpreparedness
Last Tuesday, certified class clown Brian Cobb (C ‘22) inserted a hilarious meme into his English presentation. His fellow students, who came in expecting a serious analysis of the poetry of Geoffrey Chaucer, were nonetheless impressed with Cobb’s resourcefulness.
Breaking: Old White Man in DP Comments Section Has Solution to Curing Democracy of All Corruption!
Thompson has said that he will continue his good work, keeping our democracy clean and pure by commenting on burgeoning journalists posts with “WRONG!” and “lame.”
Residential Services Tries to Sublet Entire Quad for Summer
Looking to sublet a spacious, castle-like structure with definitely, at least, some bedrooms from late May — very early August.
Oops! Junior Misses Hey Day, Has to Repeat College
Per university policy, Kroll was immediately re-enrolled as a freshman. A College Office staffer commented that “the administration believes Hey Day is so irrevocably entwined with the Junior Experience™ that any student who misses it can hardly be allowed to be called a Penn student at all.”
Sad! This Boy Hasn't Gotten a Notification on His Phone All Class
Everyone knows you’re supposed to send a text message right before class, so you have a response when you get out.
Not Again! Getting in WilCaf Line at 10:59 Makes Sarah Late to Class Again
Why does it need to take A WHOLE MINUTE for me to order, pay, and receive my complicated espresso drink made with a mixture of non-dairy milks?!
Biden Entering Race to Prove Hillary Would Have Won If She Had a Penis
The white, centrist, establishment democrat was leading in the polls even before he announced his candidacy. Many voters say they were drawn to him because of his history in politics, his age, and because he doesn’t have a vagina, which would automatically disqualify him from the position for obvious reasons.
RESULTS: Penn Individual Student Survey
Over 400 students completed the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) over the past few days, a number which has surpassed every other UTB survey ever conducted.
Clever! Senior Redacts 65% of Final Paper
That’s why, when it came time to submit his final report for PSCI 237 (The Science of Why Political Science Is a Science, We Swear), Moller knew that he had to do something creative. His report was a mess, and there was no time to edit.
Cinema Studies Department Cancels Classes in Anticipation of Game of Thrones Aftermath
Statisticians predict with 80% certainty and a 5% margin of error that the Penn Quaker himself will not survive, despite a flawless 200-year combat record.
Soundworks Tap Factory Really Bad at Hide and Seek
In an attempt to branch out and engage new members, Soundworks Tap Factory has been experimenting with new activities.
"Math Is Beautiful," Says Not-So-Beautiful Nerd
Although he himself isn’t exactly the spitting image of beauty, Lombard does have an appreciation for something else that is beautiful.
