Last weekend he went down on me and when he was ‘done,’ he asked if that could double-count for the rest of the week.

Now, the votes have been cast, and a new board has been selected, and the Undergraduate Assembly can finally return to not impacting the day-to-day life of students as it was designed to do. Finally students can take a deep breath and focus on things that actually matter, ranging from doing laundry to literally anything other than UA. 

Of course, Reynolds could use another artist’s lyrics, or even come up with her own witty phrase, but she has become so used to looking up Drake verses for each post that she can no longer form an original thought.

She began to skip classes and to stay out late with that boy Ben from ZBT. She would come back and do work well into the early hours.

"My dishes in the sink are hairy now.” 

Sheesh, Joseph — join the 21st century and catfish your mom on Jdate like the rest of us.

Aw man! Chris Solomons (C '20) was all ready for a killer Fling weekend until, according to him, the weather had other plans. UTB caught up with Solomons as he reclined in a bean bag chair, a bowl of Chocolatey Chip Teddy Grahams in hand.

She had left her pods back at her house on 39th street, and there was no chance she was willing to walk six blocks to pick up a new pod.

Until College Green smells like syrup at all hours of the day, this university is not living up to its full potential.

This wasn't the first time Crews has attempted to feign likability. Last semester, he tried picking up skateboarding and the guitar, but unfortunately that only further destroyed his social standing, and let’s not get into the time he taught himself to do over 50 fidget spinner tricks.

Coated in a substantial layer of dust, the Lululemon yoga mat she bought sophomore year rests desolately in the corner of her bedroom closet. It has remained untouched for the past two years — she last attempted to use it at home in November 2016, guided by a soothing Youtube instructional video on her 13” Macbook Air.

With graduation and the need for finding gainful employment looming over your head for four years, many begin to wonder: does my man have a future?

The most popular species thus far have been the Growius Fastia, the Comehere Pleas, and the Weare Better Thanyale.

Whether you are among the many that couldn’t snatch a ticket or you came to the brave and shocking conclusion that $70 was simply too much to pay to for a pool party without swimming, we have the solution for you.

Though Curtain is done squandering her class time on texting Ben from ZBT, she still has not dipped her toes into scholarship on immigration and refugees. She is off to a solid start, though, and is taking baby steps toward her final goal.

“Spotify taught me the meaning of pain, both physically and financially,” Lucero sighed, his wallet lighter than the AirPods in his ears. “I’m gonna be eating Locust Walk shrubs for days.”

While he doesn’t plan on using them to hurt anyone, he does plan on practicing with them every 12 to 3 o’clock on College Green.

Why do you want to waste your money on a tank top with a Penn club pun that has a slightly inappropriate twist to it?

This past Sunday, researches in Penn’s department of sociology announced that Castle’s Magic Gardens event would not be coming back, and, no, it wasn’t canceled. In a press conference to the University, Dr. Tanvi Kapoor revealed that her team in Penn’s sociology department was behind this round of tickets, not the fraternity.

Sure, we all know you're not supposed to compare yourself to others at such a competitive school, but what’s the fun in that? Here is a side by side comparison of you and the service dog from lecture.