It really is a dying art.

Shut up, Rafael. Everyone knows you did perfectly fine on the exam.

He’s previously competed in a desk building competition, so Hader has had to pick brackets before. Last year, he put all his money on the Everbuilt Zinc Plated 1 ½” Bracket, but that one lost it all during the strength test. 

Topics of your zines can include, and are limited to, ethical non-monogamy in Papua New Guinea, the intersectional bisexuality of John Quincy Adams, and the best places to masturbate on campus.

His public announcement on Locust — difficult to hear over four adjacent a cappella groups blasting music and selling tickets — was received with moderate enthusiasm by his friends. “We’ve got to fix what’s going on,” he said candidly. “Why is it so hard to get Magic Gardens tickets? I think there’s some conspiracy.”

Equipped with seven different highlighters, a multi-pen, two erasers, and a fleeting hope for success, she scribbled vigorously, but her professor had no mercy.

It’s only the beginning of April, and Britain has already used all of their extensions for the semester. The next time they fail to meet a deadline, their grade will go down by a full letter grade per late day. 

With this bold and unprecedented move, Gutmann has added her name to the list of approximately 1,020 candidates already running for the UA, believing that she “might have a real shot at winning.”

Penn Transportation and Parking Services announced yesterday that a PennBus route traveling directly to and from Long Island, New York will be added within the next month.

Beginning this week, Starbucks Under Commons will cease directly mocking you by name before you leave the cash register — a policy that had some customers feeling uncomfortable.

The children of this second age will never know the realities of the first or the pathos of its end. When we greet the University’s two hundred sixty sixth class in the coming fall, we must be mindful of this.

Any amount of studying, the study shows, is likely to produce better results than taking the test without studying. This new information ought to revolutionize the way people prepare for tests, but students aren’t buying it. 

At long last, they’ve finally done it.

Jimmy can’t wait to graduate from Wharton in 2023 and is thrilled that he is getting into college athletics at such an opportune time.

Under “gross income,” Allen reported a mere $278,000. According to a representative to the Wharton school, that makes him the lowest paid Wharton graduate “by far,” and that “even the kids who aren’t working for a big three consulting firm are making more bank.”

Statistics professor Dan Swanson was not shocked to learn that just 7.44% of applicants for the Class of 2023 were admitted to Penn. According to the professor, the number aligns perfectly with his prediction that by 2050, Penn may not even admit a single member of the human species.

Penn has none other to thank than the 44,960 sweet summer children across the world who are sheltered from the harsh cruelties of the real world and think Penn would be the right choice for them. Ha ha ha, I laugh. How verily foolish of them. 

I’m pretty sure we went to Fishtown to meet a bald friend, who I think I found from the ‘Bald Friend’ contact in my phone.

Martin is especially looking forward to engaging over the films many themes, which, from the trailer, appear to range from “having a twin” to “definitely race in America.” 

I cannot imagine a more grotesque abuse of journalistic power. You, loyal readers, put your trust in us and we let you down. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.