After indicting former Penn Basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.

Mueller has taken since 2017 to write his report. People have set due dates for it time and time again since then, but has it been released? No. Take your time, girl. Honestly, who’s to say Mueller hasn’t been watching reruns of Friends, too?

The Penn Admissions Office recently announced that student tours will no longer focus on facts and figures and instead place personal anecdotes at the forefront.

A light bulb went off in his head during a discussion about the U.S.’s decision to enter World War II.

The University of Pennsylvania has made a promise to its students and staff that there will be zero tolerance for admissions officers and coaches who take bribes from the families of prospective students. Therefore, in an effort to combat the temptation of bribes, Penn has vowed to give its entire administration $500,000 raises.

THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIAS WHARTON SCHOOL AWAS NAMED THE COUNTRY'S TOP FULLTIE MBA PROGRAM IN THE 2020 US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT'S ANNUAL RANKING.

When you examine the book closely, you can know this from the start.

Students dartied in their most festive gear, but no one came out stuntin’ harder than Wharton junior Derek Harthman.

Your jacket is taken from you by a bouncer, even though you do not have a real shirt on underneath. A: You grow a new jacket and (score!) it's made of cotton candy. B: You pretend you have a skin disease, and the bouncer begrudgingly returns your jacket to you.

"So cool I got tapped. Anyone know when Friar's emails go out though?"

Many students were surprised to learn that the mascot — a fictional, generic caricature of a Quaker man — and actual Penn founder Ben Franklin had any relationship in University lore, much less one with a sexual dimension. Most were unaware they existed in the same literary universe at all.

Politics, shmolitics. Beto has the vibe of the chill, hot, divorcee who skateboards when he’s not running a tech company in which everyone wears jeans. And his buttocks look damn good in those jeans.

Stress is known to cause breakouts, so many students have a veritable gold mine of pimples to pop.

Usually, your attitude toward life fluctuates here and there. Some days are good and hopefully fewer might be not so good. But, are you genuinely happy?

Although students were initially wary of this forced conversion to Satanism, the student body was surprisingly largely receptive to the policy decision.

Want to come party but don’t know Jeff or Matt? Better stretch at the pre-game and get ready to take a lap.

Furthermore, marijuana consumption is not linked to emotional outbursts, so suck my dick, Dad. You are literally the worst and I hate you. 

“I was sitting on a bench for a while just watching this poor girl get rejected over and over again. It was so sad. She only had one copy left and was clearly desperately trying to get rid of it, so finally I just I decided I had to take it from her."

It’s such a relief to finally know our tuition dollars are being put to good use.

I’m glad I took the rest of my day off to do some fun and lighthearted theoretical physics.