1.2 million dollars wasted in bribes — just think. We could have had another library.

It would appear that the very same parents who told their son, current College freshmen Sean Greene, that he should “never do drugs,” had, three years prior, maintained a stance that they would “never get divorced.”

A few weeks ago Gerbleman decided to join the Vegan’s Advocacy Group (V.A.G.), and she swears it was the best decision of her life.

Sources close to the Penn student body report that every single Penn student is now convinced that they only got rejected from Stanford because their spot was taken by someone whose parents bribed the school. Under the Button caught up with Engineering junior Jasper Ortega (E’ 20) for his take.

The pressure from employed seniors doesn’t help. It’s reported that a gang of seniors — all of them headed to Goldman Sachs as analysts — raided the Saxby’s on 40th, throwing hot coffee at people, and uttering, “Employed yet, idiot?”

With a blood alcohol content of 0.00%, Joseph stepped through the doors of the Mask and Wig Clubhouse.

He subsequently tilted the handle over the side of her thigh and let the vodka dribble down and seep into the now disinfected wounds. 

“We were looking at HamCo for a long time because of all its amenities, but it was too expensive."

Instead of unwinding with an episode of The Office or with a few bottles of wine, some Penn students are now turning to recreational reading as a means of de-stressing.

Esteemed chemistry professor Kenneth Bullion glossed over an entire section of notes, leaving already confused students utterly in the dark.

Administration members are so excited to have stumbled upon this hidden gem of the digital age. Some were generous enough to share some of their thoughts.

Though details are still being finalized, likely events include a furries happy hour and a night at a BDSM club in Atlantic City.

Despite the spine-breaking, sexless, and financially crippling nature of their existence, some students claimed to be, “Just fine,” “Grateful to be here,” and, even, “The best they’ve ever been.” 

After his 503rd time running out the door to make his 9 a.m. recitation without having time to scarf down a quick yogurt, an idea came to him. What if there were a more portable yogurt?

“We don’t really know where to go, but I love German art. We’re big museum guys. This is great,” he lied. The group plans to tour the Berlin nightlife, but has only a faint understanding of the club scene.

When Trump was asked why he wouldn’t allow Kim’s sister Khloe to take on the fairly meaningless role as the new Bachelorette, he responded with typical aplomb. “She’s a five, maybe a six on a really good day. This show? It’s the pinnacle of American culture, and we can’t be having just anyone on it, so I can’t give this to her.”

Despite receiving a 51 on the class’s first exam and missing two homework deadlines, Shazer redeemed himself in the eyes of Dr. Mackey with his outstanding performance in their last class.

She completely blindsided me and said that I made a really insightful point in class the other day.

Much of the praise for the speaker involved its superior battery life.

They are practically inseparable. They eat, sleep, and even bathe together!