Despite living minutes from her friends, enjoying her first experiences with drugs and alcoholic substances, and being at the highest level of fitness she will ever achieve, Raymond is often found angrily tweeting about her situation.

Witnesses say they saw him skulking near the stone fruits – which are currently not even in season – wearing dark sunglasses and a hoodie as he impishly licked his lips.

When an Econ 001 midterm threatened to lower her 4.00 GPA, Sacks was forced to take desperate measures.

We have yet to determine to what extent, if any, they feel pain.

Mom-friend Carrie Peters is getting ready for the loathing to peak when the quietist of the bunch, Kristy Porter, gets drunk off piña coladas on the beach one afternoon and opens up about every time over the last three years the girl gang fucked her over.

Apparently, the Kendall Jenner spotting at City Tap really made quite the impression on campus, and Kanye was thrilled at the news that Penn had decided to name a whole College House after his unborn son.

Math professor Nakia Rimmer’s lecture recordings were a smash success at the 91st Academy Awards last night in Los Angeles. The recordings were nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Actor. They won them all.

We’ll probably have to close Engineering and Nursing and just dump the endowment on Cinema Studies.

For the rest of his life, Patrice’s degree in English will be a signal to all that he is a well-read man of letters, capable of discussing a wide range of literature in detail.

Surprisingly, Beth not only has a social life without 4 clubs scheduling her entire weekend, but she also has more time for the almost extinct practices of "exploring the city" and "exercising."

Much of his material is based on class topics, which is hard for an audience that hasn’t done the reading since syllabus week. The rest mostly revolves around his children, married life, a little bit of politics, and nineteenth century ventriloquism.

Maybe one of them will even take a yoga class while immersing himself in the wonders of Southeast Asia.

There's no way I'm gonna be able to get it done, considering I've been on the toilet for the past 13 hours.

Although students without seats could bypass Wong by crawling over him and his luggage, his territory went unchallenged for the duration of the lecture due to his musky smell and greasy appearance.

"This is just what we do now. After catching that local criminal, we were ready to take on a larger challenge.  And that’s exactly what we did.” Throughout our interview, Despereaux licked what appeared to be blood off of a large machete, which, according to the professor, “has severed its fair share of drug lord limbs.”

Her pixie cut isn’t the identity crisis you think it is.

As of last week, Amazon pulled out of their HQ2 plans for Queens, closing off anticipated job opportunities for many. So, basically, as of last week, senior Whartonite Jeremy Anders’ life was ruined.

Earlier that day, he sat down to speed watch his lecture for his exam only to find it loudly interrupted periodically by a side conversation of two boys in the back.

“I came in here for a roll of toilet paper, but then I saw that face masks were on sale, and after that it’s a blur.” 

Five minutes into the first class, he could already tell what was on students' minds — that they were in a class with a professor who won a Pulitzer back in ‘82.