College junior Daniel Atwood is just like every other red-blooded American boy: he likes his coffee black, meat on his plate, and assault rifles under his pillow.

Word up, son. Finna hit Potty at nine oh deuce.

To help students who have no concept of the difference between 30 degrees and 10 degrees, Penn meteorologists have created a new scientific unit of measurement for any temperature falling below 30 degrees. 

“We live in such a fast-paced society these days, we forget to make time for the things that truly matter.” Sarai explained that she cares deeply about binge-watching Netflix, scrolling through social media, and getting absolutely blasted. 

According to a Penn's Interfraternity Council (IFC), most Fraternity Chapter Houses — or ‘chouses’ —have been deteriorating at unprecedented rates this rush season. 

Though Jenner swore Tap House was her bar of choice, the hoards of Penn students waiting in line for Smokey Joe’s infamous “sink or swim” confirmed otherwise. 

A recent study conducted by the Penn Sociology Department found that, despite Penn boasting an undergraduate population of just over 10,000, only 97 students reported feeling any sense of self-esteem in the 2018 calendar year.

I didn’t even realize how big a deal it was until I saw everyone else carrying those tenderly mass-produced DK bento boxes around campus. 

I just think it’s really unfair that the new year conflicts with the coldest season of the year. 

BOO! Scared you, didn't I. Now scram! And go like that post or I won't let you register for any courses for a very. long. time. 

But now, two weeks after that initial click, Tepler has found herself unable to reply to emails in her own words. Even worse, she fears she has lost the ability to make decisions entirely.

The decision was made to send them to Milan so the two escalators could improve their world view, as thirty-sixth and Walnut is the only home they’ve known.

Before I knew it, it was 3am on the last day of break, and I was waiting with bated breath to see if Jerry would get approved for skin removal surgery. 

It is a shape that inspires confidence, strength, and power. I am certain that the external design of the building reflects accurately the people within.

The Office of Student Health Services has announced a flu outbreak on campus, warranting heightened health and wellness precautions by all students.

College senior Andrew Caplan is ready to say hello to 2019 and never look back.

You're as slimy as snake, I see your name and shriek, Mr. CITsender

Although the donation was well-intentioned, a great number of Penn students feel cheated by the once loyal graduate. Chief among these students are freshman who “just wanted Insomnia.”

According to this statement, the roughly 40,000 evaluations were assigned to Steven Fitzgerald, a former student intern at Penn’s Center for Teaching and Learning. 

The two had never met, but one of Bergen’s friends insisted that Brenner was a “pretty ok guy.” Feeling up for an adventure, Bergen accepted the invitation, despite not knowing Brenner and having three finals in the coming two days.