Jeremy Landis (E ’20) returned to his hometown of Dayton, Ohio this past Thanksgiving break feeling particularly thankful for his Penn education — but mostly for his ability to flex his Ivy League apparel in front of relatives and strangers alike.

The metal underbelly of his MacBook frigid against his sensitive thigh skin, Ryan Glover (C ’19) struggled to operate his laptop computer while on the toilet yesterday.

But the day Campbell dropped her 64oz stainless steel water vessel from a height of three feet, directly onto the concrete floor of her 1PM CIS lecture in Towne, in the middle of an important slide about linked lists, everything changed. 

 "Sinners from Penn kept coming down and saying ‘they’d seen worse’ in their writing seminar classes.” 

And so, being the enthusiastic fan he is, Corbin donned a tasteful homemade Mario costume and hit the ground running, console and controller in hand, to find a worthy opponent on campus.

As Jocelyn Zhao (W ’21) walked to 30th Street Station to catch a train Monday afternoon, she was struck by the observation that Drexel University’s campus is “actually kinda nice.”

OMG. The Spotify Wrapped 2018 results are in — you spent 94,564 minutes being basic as hell this year!

The Fisher Fine Arts Library prides itself on being “one of the few quiet study places on campus,” according to its website.

Engineering freshman Sheryl Williams (and former high school NHS president, as she likes to tell people) was shocked to learn that people care about things other than the fact that she got a 33 on her ACT.

At around 9:30 p.m. last Thursday, Wharton freshman Philip Saunders used a perfectly good “Golden Wonder” bath bomb from Lush in a grimy Kings Court bathtub.

When Noah Levinson was asked to his current hookup’s sorority date night, he was nervous. 

It was a real honor that you chose me, Patrick Donahue, of all people, to write your weekly horoscope column that you only want me to write once.

It’s officially cuffing season and Student Health Services is here to make sure you keep your pecker in checker.

She had spent the last two months researching Spanish-speaking countries in hopes of finding one where residents only spoke in simple, indicative sentences.

“They had us uprooting orchids, roses, tulips, carnations—all in the sweltering hot sun, ” Stewart murmured. “The rumors were true. This really is a weed-out class.” 

Golden Goose, a brand for the people, has decided to join the ranks of TOMS and many other altruistic companies. 

The fancy, decadent man you share a house with is currently brewing espresso with his expensive, highly-specialized device.

 “This is a unique business model. Currently, there is not a single store trying to do what we are doing.” 

Weird flex but ok

In a recent study, David Rittenhouse Laboratories was reported to have the highest (hand) foot (and mouth) traffic of any academic building.