Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett Just Happy to Be Here
Known to most students for speaking at convocation and co-signing emails with President Amy Gutmann, Pritchett spends his the bulk of his time these days lounging in his den.
News
Garfield Named Presidential Professor of Lasagna
Penn is adding yet another iconic public figure to its esteemed group of Presidential Professors of Practice.
Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett Just Happy to Be Here
Known to most students for speaking at convocation and co-signing emails with President Amy Gutmann, Pritchett spends his the bulk of his time these days lounging in his den.
Student Getting Spooned in Van Pelt Turnstile Experiencing First Human Touch in Weeks
Caught between a turnstile refusing to read his PennCard and the continuous shuffling of students in the midst of finals, Samuelson found himself briefly — but blissfully — pressed up against the softness of the Canada Goose jacket worn by the second person in line.
Garfield Named Presidential Professor of Lasagna
Penn is adding yet another iconic public figure to its esteemed group of Presidential Professors of Practice.
Generous Billionaire Calls Uberpool for Date
When Latisha Montgomery (C ’20) went on a date with Vanessa Laurel-Smith (W ’19), she rightly assumed that her date (the daughter of the plastic tycoon Jonathon Smith), would be willing to spoil her a little bit.
Deluded Sophomore Wears Cute Underwear to Formal as if Date Will Actually Fucking Notice
College sophomore Claire Sturges already knows what she will wear to her casual hookup's fraternity formal tonight.
Environmentalism Win! Penn to Replace Iconic Tampons Sculpture With Monument of Menstrual Cup
In a surprising turn towards environmentalism, University officials announced last Wednesday that the iconic red "tampons" sculpture, which lives by the high rises, would be replaced by a monument to menstrual cups.
Woman in Bodysuit Taking Dump Fully Naked in Handicap Stall
After deciding to wear her new lavender bodysuit she purchased from Urban Outfitters on Black Friday, Rebecca Cartwright (W ‘20) was left to make her usual afternoon coffee-induced defecation fully in the nude.
Rebel Student Writes Essay in 11pt Arial Before Enlarging to 12pt Times New Roman
Vilsack opened up a new document in Google Drive and just started writing.
Guy Who Sits in Corner of Class Knows Way Too Much About Nazi Party in WWII
It came as a bit of a surprise to the other members of the class when one of them seemed a bit too invested in a key component of the source material – the Nazi Party in WWII.
Holy Shit: Stacy Knows 40% of the Words to SICKO MODE
If you thought you were either cool or talented, just wait until you meet Stacy Wilmberg (C ‘18).
Embarrassing: Penn Is Trying to Pass off a 1998 Dell PC as the ENIAC After Misplacing the Original
The enclosure in Moore where the Electronic Numerical Integrator And Computer (ENIAC) is normally on display now contains a late-20th Century Dell desktop computer.
Trust The Process: Mid-Tier Frat Hires Sam Hinkie to Manage Tanking for Better Prospects Next Year
Two years ago, they were stuck in the middle—not bad enough to disband, but not good enough for anyone to show up to their parties.
Finally: Annoying Couple In Friend Group Breaks Up
"There have been about four flukes at this point, and we’ve all gotten our hopes crushed many times when they eventually rekindled their deniable chemistry."
Junior Wearing Penn Apparel Gets Shit On by Bird — Here's What That Pigeon Has to Say
Jeremy Landis (E ’20) returned to his hometown of Dayton, Ohio this past Thanksgiving break feeling particularly thankful for his Penn education — but mostly for his ability to flex his Ivy League apparel in front of relatives and strangers alike.
Laptop Extremely Cold On Defecating Student’s Bare Thighs
The metal underbelly of his MacBook frigid against his sensitive thigh skin, Ryan Glover (C ’19) struggled to operate his laptop computer while on the toilet yesterday.
Student Who Dropped Hydroflask in Middle of Lecture Changes Identity and Moves to New Zealand
But the day Campbell dropped her 64oz stainless steel water vessel from a height of three feet, directly onto the concrete floor of her 1PM CIS lecture in Towne, in the middle of an important slide about linked lists, everything changed.
Satan Spotted in Writing Seminar Brushing Up on Newest Torture Methods
"Sinners from Penn kept coming down and saying ‘they’d seen worse’ in their writing seminar classes.”
Guy Who Wants to 'Smash' Tonight Actually Just Wants a Gaming Buddy
And so, being the enthusiastic fan he is, Corbin donned a tasteful homemade Mario costume and hit the ground running, console and controller in hand, to find a worthy opponent on campus.
Student Walking To Train Station Notes Drexel ‘Actually Kinda Nice’
As Jocelyn Zhao (W ’21) walked to 30th Street Station to catch a train Monday afternoon, she was struck by the observation that Drexel University’s campus is “actually kinda nice.”
Uh Oh! Your Spotify Wrapped Says You Spent 94,564 Minutes Being a Basic Bitch
OMG. The Spotify Wrapped 2018 results are in — you spent 94,564 minutes being basic as hell this year!
