"We must celebrate our differences. My own mother was 35% vegan on her father’s side. Hummus runs in my veins!"

Though they agree that Pottruck deserves this honor, Penn students are split on whether the excessive grunting is something to be addressed or celebrated.

When asked for his greatest quality, Matt Oliver (W ‘20) would probably respond with his ability to multitask.

"I guess I’ll go, but if she wears a sash or posts a photo with those obnoxious balloons, I swear to God..."

Have you ever seen Dean Furda and George Lopez in the same room? The answer is yes; you just haven’t realized it.

Duty calls, and sometimes it calls outside the comfort of your apartment's shared toilet.

Martin Clarence (C ’20) discovered something he'd long been suspecting: He is, in fact, better than other people. He is a hero.

“Penn students can be so intense and inauthentic. I needed to unwind with my best buds back home and enjoy some genuine human connection.”

Most professors covet a 4.0 rating on Penn Course Review. Dr. Eric Malor wishes he could get rid of his.

Researchers at the Wharton Behavioral Lab have found a near perfect correlation between kids who bullet journal and kids say that growing up with a dog was “so annoying,” a proxy for psychopathy. 

While talking with a friend, he stated, "Yeah I’m not religious per se, but I am spiritual."

To the surprise of literally none of his hallmates, Engineering freshman Brad Hawkins has been caught listening to Carly Rae Jepsen’s hit 2012 single “Call Me Maybe” for the sixth time. 

He's set his sights on one of the most difficult engineering challenges of post-industrial life.

When infamous slumlord Cam Partments told College junior Greg Giacomo and his roommates that they couldn’t adopt a cat, they were devastated. 

From the moment he received his PennCard that sunny August 22nd, Charles Chavez (C ‘22) knew he was cut out for excellence.

The first few students said things like "the opportunity to study at this school" (nerd) or "my metabolism" (weird flex but okay).

The study accounted for the entire spectrum of clubs at Penn: from consulting groups, to service groups, to very funny satire publications, to less funny satire publications.

"Don’t I pay enough for this school? Why can’t they just install gutters or something, or have engineers with tiny straws suck up the water so I don’t have to deal with this?"

Tired of falling off your dinky little road bike every time you hit a Philly street crater?

As for payout, you can expect a cool $7.25 per hour (as well as the priceless joy of murmuring “ch-ch-ch-chia” to yourself as you complete your horticultural duties).