Sophomore Stocks Up on Plan B Before Getting Fucked by Midterm
"I’m going to get absolutely fucked by this bio midterm regardless of how I try to prepare, and I’m not on birth control or anything, so I’d better be safe and get Plan B."
News
Crafty! Freshman Smuggles TupperwareTM Into Family’s Thanksgiving Dinner
At this point in the semester, every Penn freshman has either learned to sneak Tupperware out of the dining halls or learned to sneak other, non-TupperwareTM plastic containers out of the dining halls.
Sophomore Stocks Up on Plan B Before Getting Fucked by Midterm
"I’m going to get absolutely fucked by this bio midterm regardless of how I try to prepare, and I’m not on birth control or anything, so I’d better be safe and get Plan B."
Girl Sells Roommate on Free or For Sale
When Erin Zheng met Emily O’Byron for the first time on Quaker Days, it was love at first sight (but in, like, a completely platonic roommate sort of way).
Crafty! Freshman Smuggles TupperwareTM Into Family’s Thanksgiving Dinner
At this point in the semester, every Penn freshman has either learned to sneak Tupperware out of the dining halls or learned to sneak other, non-TupperwareTM plastic containers out of the dining halls.
Making a Difference: Selfless Human Rights Law Students Collaborate to Save Vulnerable Starbucks Franchise
When the Starbucks on 34th and Chestnut streets announced that it would close in early December, nearby Penn Law students were shaken to their core.
Wow! Dean Furda and Your Uncle Really Hit it Off This Thanksgiving
Who is that giggling across the table? Who else, but Dean of Admissions Eric Furda and your Uncle Mike, childishly saying the word "basted" over and over.
Penn Bookstore Introduces Wharton-Branded, 25lb. Frozen Turkey
As a part of a special promotion for the Thanksgiving holiday, the University of Pennsylvania Bookstore has unveiled its new Wharton-branded, 25 lb. frozen turkey.
'I Feel Like I Peaked in High School' Complains Student Who Peaked in Middle School
Starved of validation for the first time in her life, she’s beginning to wonder how much she really deserves to be at Penn.
Freshman in Long-Distance Relationship Excited to Hear What Girlfriend 'Really Needs to Talk to Him About' Over Thanksgiving Break
“My girlfriend,” Jones confided, “really needs to talk to me about something. I love hearing what she has to say!”
OP-ED: I'm Passionate About Math, Unless I Get a B on This Midterm
Really, you just need to put yourself out there. Try new things! As long as you can keep your 4.0, the world’s your oyster.
To House All Sophomores on Campus, Penn May Donate the Sophomore Class to Elon Musk
Having absolutely no way to go about coming up with the additional beds, the University determined that drastic action had to be taken.
Student MERTed From Pottruck After Too-Strenuous Walk Up to Second Floor
“Just walking through the gym doors has been a PR, so I’m satisfied,” he said, between puffs of oxygen.
BREAKING: Daniel is Thinking of Starting a Streetwear Brand
Question is, did you fill out the Google Form asking you which shirt you’d buy?
Stain on Quad Floor Is Not the Usual Blood of the Innocent, Is Actually Vomit
The regularly scheduled demonic ritual was interrupted by a visibly inebriated freshman.
Freshman Shocked That Class Right Before Thanksgiving Isn’t Spent Making Hand Turkeys
Louisa Ferman (E ‘22, W ‘22) walked into OIDD 101 this Tuesday with her creative juices already flowing.
Amy Gutmann Reportedly Spending Up to 3 Hours Daily Practicing High Five
Gutmann will “take a sharpie, trace her hand shape onto a mirror, and just keep high fiving it until the glass breaks.”
Poli Sci 001 Student Fucking Pumped to Scream Political Theory at Family During Thanksgiving
"Just wait until I bust out John Locke’s social contract theory after Uncle Jeffrey tries to argue about illegal immigration."
Help Wanted: Counterparts Desperately in Need of Instrument Manager
The urgent listing comes after the group was forced to sing on multiple occasions in performance without any additional musical instruments.
Passive Aggressive? Student Throws Away Roommate's Belongings as Part of Weekly Trash Run
Gentle pranks, kind-hearted jabs, and the occasional backstabbing is all considered par-for-the-course when it comes to living with a complete stranger.
Student Spends Night in Bathroom With Hands in Dyson Airblade©, Still Had to Wipe Hands on Jeans.
Around 10 p.m. last night, Jack went to the bathroom — the one that looks a little fancy from the outside but has the same stank as the bathrooms in Pottruck.
That Kid Who Always Leaves 20 Minutes into Lecture? Here’s Where He’s Going
A thorough investigation of Moore was recently conducted, following him on a few of his outings in order to finally discover his whereabouts.
