For years, Gene Klein (W ’21) has been complaining about his lack of sleep.

New research conducted by Penn psychologists has concluded that if one more person talks to me today, I will absolutely fucking lose my shit.

Oh, you're from South Jersey? Well, no one cares.

The Penn Wellness Initiative announced their plan to improve mental health on campus by lightly kissing each student on their foreheads and say “You have such a cute smile” before lifting their lips from their skin.

Last Thursday morning started out normally for Kevin Brown (C ‘20).

Friends of Rachel Moore (C '19) were shocked yesterday when her phone buzzed with a new message from Mike Tinder.

After last semester's failed attempt to turn the David Rittenhouse Laboratory into a romantic Valentine's Day date spot, the Penn administration has decided to repurpose the home of the Math, Physics, and Virginity departments for the Halloween season.

Having heard rave reviews from his friends, College freshman Davis Grant decided it was time to expand his horizons and try a pumpkin spice latte.

Wow! Talk about a superstar athlete.

In front of a crowd of status-conscious, affluent witnesses, the Hydro Flask officially replaced the S’Well bottle as a completely necessary symbol of social worth.

Walking from imposing building to imposing building used to at least offer a few moments of sunshine as a salve for existential pain. Now you shiver as you trudge from one locus of punishment to another.

As this frigid October continues to prove that global warming is a left-wing hoax, students have been donning their winter coats especially early this year.

Calling your professor "mom": it happens to every college student at some point or another, and it never fails to humiliate all involved.

The full moon hung low and yellow over Locust as Sarah Lambert (E '20) recounted her traumatic encounter with Penn's mascot last Wednesday to UTB reporters.

Listen up. I literally do not care who you are or what your name is. 

To the outside observer, Olivia Murdock (C ’18) appears just like any other student milling down Locust: earbuds in, chatting away blissfully on the phone.

At 2:00 p.m. every Monday afternoon, College freshman Ashley Smithbank’s roommate leaves for her Math 104 recitation, which means that the Masturbation Monday festitivies can commence.

Ever stared into someone’s soul while the elevator doors are closing?

Rafael Bowden (C ’20), allured by Soylent’s promise to deliver a delicious meal on-the-go, is now regretting his decision to purchase ten cases of strawberry-flavored Soylent, a quantity equivalent to 120 bottles.

Fans of local stand up comedian Zachary Smith witnessed a milestone event in his career last Saturday, during his eighth solo set.