As the mold in the Quad grows by the day and students are forced to relocate to the Inn at Penn, the student body has been looking for some guidance.

According to her colleagues, Dr. Caroline Jameston is the right hand of Penn’s chemistry department. Unfortunately, her colleagues would also note that Dr. Jameston’s right hand “will probably bankrupt us in a few years.”

In a historical first since 0 B.C., the Lord God, Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, made an appearance on Earth, descending from His exalted throne and parting the pollution above the Schuylkill to announce that He would be withdrawing from CIS 160 following last Thursday’s midterm.

In a statement to UTB, the cyclist, who we have decided to anonymize, was adamant that he did nothing wrong.  

The class, which has a 700-student limit, is taught by visiting professor and former head of analytic financial engagement database management at InvestCo, Jane Smithfield. It is expected to fill up quickly.

Quite the scene unfolded in Speakman 207 this weekend as Kate Lorenz (W ’22) returned home from a night of partying. Quietly sneaking past her sleeping roommate and into bed, Lorenz thought she was tucked in for the night. 

Although no further details were given, the mood of the song called for a minute-long eyes closed air drum solo, with one lip bite during the final chorus

In a bold decision certain to send shockwaves through both the University and Hollywood, College junior Max Rather inked a deal with 20th Century Fox on Tuesday for distribution of his short film “Birthright Vlog 2018!”

Are you constantly hungry? Too timid to take food home from the GBM? Are you tired of pathetically begging your Mom for cash so that you won’t starve to death on the mean streets of Philadelphia?

Forget Stacy’s mom! Stacy’s dad is really the one who’s got it goin’ on.

Several weeks ago, a report was published listing all the edible shrubbery on Penn’s campus. Ever since, Penn’s edible plants have replaced all other sustenance for sophomore Kristine Cole.

Professor Schumann’s Biology 101 students were only five minutes into their first midterm when disaster struck. Schumann watched as students finished the first page of the test and flipped open the second page. Not a single student chuckled—not even a wry smile. Schumann had forgotten to include his sixth favorite Calvin and Hobbes comic strip above question 8.

In a recent investigation by Under the Button dot com, it was discovered that famed innocence-corrupter and Zion of capitalist ensnarement John M. Huntsman Hall becomes a dominatrix sex dungeon after 2 a.m.

Just moments ago, George Henchey (C '20) bid his friends adieu, trusting them to watch over his backpack as if it were their own, and set off on the long and lonely trip to the 4th floor of Van Pelt.

After holding our own in the US News Rankings, we managed to make a huge leap in another major college ranking: the Reuters Most Innovative Universities list.

Even though Kristen Polman (N ’22) came out as gay at the ripe age of 15, her mother, Stacy Polman, sometimes just can’t help herself—especially during this past Parents Weekend.

When President Gutmann announced that all sophomores will be required to live on campus beginning in 2021, the reaction could not have been more positive.

Did you hear? Lindsay is studying abroad in London next spring. She is so excited, but will miss her friends so much! The FOMO is real, haha. 

Much to the ire of juniors in the room—people who actually needed internships—Teddy Cable (W ’22) let recruiters know exactly what he wanted at a recent fair.

Sofia Walsh (C ‘22) is normally okay with an evening filled with cheap handcuffs, free booze, and questionable lifestyle choices.