Brian McLaughlin (C '20) has been living next door to an off-campus fraternity for the past two years. “It’s ridiculous,” said the 20-year-old PPE major, “These guys are just drinking and smoking all day every day; it’s pathetic.”

The library, which was initially built as a space for intellectual and academic rigor, has since become a breeding ground for depressing all-nighters, peaceful poops in the third floor bathrooms, and very questionable bag-checking policies.

Like if you didn't McSee that one coming!

The move comes after a rise in party photography at Penn, in which fraternities and sororities hire someone who owns a nice camera to photograph their drunk members and add fun little squiggly lines to all the photos.

“I never knew that someone could be robbed of that much time.” Daniel Garza (E ’21) noted as he drifted onto Locust Walk in his suit and tie. He looked broken and beaten—exactly what the Blockchain Consulting Group wanted.

You’ve tried BFF. You’ve already had a mouthful of BEN. Heck, at some point you considered trying PPE. But if you’re still struggling to find that one perfect meal plan, then these new, upcoming options just may be on the table. UTB reached out to Penn Dining General Manager Carl Haim for the deets.

Senior Bryn Williamson had the fall break of her life. She’s only had three other fall breaks and they were all going home to the Main Line, but this one was definitely the best. Williamson and 150 of her closest friends in the top 1% followed in the footsteps of their elders and made the pilgrimage to Sin City.

College sophomore Martin Stone had the perfect plan for Fall Break. A two-step plan, he was going to spend weeks beforehand procrastinating on his readings because he’d “have time to finish everything over Fall Break,” and then he was going to further procrastinate on all his readings until the Sunday of break.

Mitchel also reports she was looking forward to a less crowded Hillel lunch, but, to her dismay, the dining hall was closed for the break. In fact, so was every other dining hall on campus.

Bateman, a native of Solon, Ohio, explained his approach. "I tried to imagine those ancient Greeks around a crackling fire-- almost like our seminar in Claudia Cohen-- and just thought how to read the story as they would, which would obviously be in the King's English.

Despite not uttering a single word for hours, Del Rosario was channeling his inner Jordan, hitting countless fadeaways on individuals many feet taller than him.

Freshman Jack Liu, a prospective CIS major, attended CIS 160 office hours on Tuesday evening to receive guidance on his homework. Unfortunately, he left more confused than when he entered.

Writing Seminar—a time-intensive rite of passage for freshmen (and more than a few seniors) which culminates into two portfolios of work, one for the midterm and one for the final.

Penn alum Steven “Hoodie Allen” Markowitz has been selected for a 2018 MacArthur Fellowship, commonly known as the “Genius Grant,”  the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation announced Thursday.

It’s never enough: College sophomore Jared Rivkin was extremely disappointed in the Houston Hall renovations unveiled this fall. “15.5 million dollars and not one swimming pool in sight,” Rivkin said. “I just don’t get it.”

Since 2016, Penn completely overhauled its Wharton 101 curriculum. But a little-known part of this change? All Wharton freshman were required to take an empathy test.

After a year of wildly controversial and deeply prejudiced statements, Penn Law professor Amy Wax is up in arms again—this time over what she sees as the systemic takedown of careers of some “perfectly nice” priests throughout Pennsylvania.

"People who are sexually aroused by Gritty need not cross their legs in shame,' the law professors" statement reads. "By definition, a 'furry fetish' requires that object of desire is both non-human and abnormal in nature. In the case of Gritty, the evidence has shown that his sex appeal is anything but abnormal."

Goodbye Koreana, hello Second Year Experience! After announcing mandatory on-campus living for all sophomores beginning in 2021, Gutmann has made moves to open yet another dorm—New New College House West North.

Alex Sanson (E ’20) doesn’t know when to stop. This deranged triple major has run amuck on the PennInTouch course selection page, slurping up courses like a tactless warthog at a buffet. But the madness ends today.