Opinion
OP-ED: We Got Rejected From an LGBTQ+ Club, Now We’re Converting to Being a Straight Couple
Even now, sitting across from each other at boozy brunch, we are searching our minds for an answer to how we ever thought of ourselves as queer.
Oopsies! I Mixed Up My Advil With My Laxatives and Exploded All Over Locust
Silly me!
Quitting Nicotine Is So Easy! I’ve Already Done It Like 6 Times
Vaping is bad for you.
Happy Homecoming!! My Red, White, and Blue Sweater from The Real Real is No Match for Yours
In girl world, Homecoming (and also the Fourth of July) is the one day a year when girls can wear red, white and blue and no other girls can say anything about it.
Op-Ed: Please Stay Out of My Line of Sight When Waiting for the Hip Thrust Machine
The bad part about someone watching you do hip thrusts is that you’re doing hip thrusts while someone is watching you.
I Lived It: Eating at a Different Halal Cart Is Basically Adultery
I don't know how I can go on right now.
Under the Button Officially Endorses Whichever Candidate You Were Planning on Voting For
Our endorsement comes at a critical time for democracy. We need to choose progress over stagnation; people over profits; stability over chaos; profits over people; we need to choose [INAUDIBLE MUTTERING] to be the next President of the United States.
Reducing Foot Traffic One Step at a Time: I’m Suplexing Everyone Who Stops Walking in Front of Me on Locust
Finally I can put several years of elementary school martial arts classes to good use.
“I’m Excited to Announce” and Other LinkedIn Humble Brags That Scream “I Have a Micropenis”
“I’m excited to announce…” Translation: “Please validate me.”
‘I Haven’t Played the New York Times Games Today’ and Other Things To Think About While Your Girlfriend Breaks up With You
Oh, woe is me! Boohoo! It’s not that deep, bro. You were only with her for 5 years. Get over it.
Flu Shot Horror Story: My Nurse Was in SDT
I have a tattoo behind my ear and I’m still scared of needles and do you believe in false dichotomies?
Four Recipes for Cooking Moo Deng
I’m not sure what type of animal she is but she looks delicious.
Fasting for God or Fitting Into Jeans? This Yom Kippur, UTB Asks: Why Not Both?
This Yom Kippur, I’ll be thanking God for the ultimate gift: repentance and a size 24.
10 Things Worse Than Telling the Guy You’re Seeing That Your Favorite John Mayer Song Is “Your Body Is a Wonderland”
I love John Mayer.
What My Commons Dinner Says About You
I am the fucking Commons alpha.
Student Learns That the Slow Descent of Becoming Just Like Their Unstable, Alcoholic Parents Is Actually Awesome
Clark doesn’t describe himself as an alcoholic, however; rather, he is a connoisseur of the Lites.
Crazy Thought: Let’s Install Urinal Dividers At Smokes
I am fighting for YOUR rights to not be metaphorically —or literally I’m not judging— smacked with dicks of varying sizes in your peripheral vision.
Don’t Talk To Me, I’m On My Theoriod
And this month, it’s getting heavy.