When Jerry swerves and hits that sharp right turn, my heart drops to my ass, and suddenly I’m a devout Christian.

Yeah, just read it over and add a few suggestions or something. I’ll take a look at it once I get back from Smokes. Don’t be afraid to tear it to shreds — it’s due at midnight.

I am a cool, chill girl who just doesn’t care about my birthday.

I just think that before we have a conversation about the negative effects of COVID, we should just quickly talk about the negative effects of the elderly.

Want to look like the most exclusive, hottest bitches in Philadelphia? UTB did all the hard work for you and found out where they all like to hang out.  

For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.

You think sheets of paper are gonna rectify the damage of your blowing asshole?

Some have commented that plants are even better than digital interactions, such as Facetime or Zoom, because “My monstera can’t leave me like everyone else.”  

If you repent and pray extra hard, you will be saved.

We all know that doors are all a little bonkers, but these seven doors are TOTALLY unhinged!  

You, dear reader, are presented today with a similar, devastating predicament: Do you invite me to your party OR know that I will shut down your shindig out of spite and hot jealous rage? 

One measly day isn’t enough to process the trauma of calling your professor Mom, let alone one to four whole years of undergrad. Yo, Gutmann! Don’t leave me high and dry here.

Or perhaps all along they’ve been the thing stopping themselves from achieving happiness. No, that’s not possible--it’s not as though they sabotage themselves by having 7+ hours of screen time, eating 1.5 meals a day, and sleeping only 4 hours.

They thought that they were simply built different and that their stupid little February birthdays were safe. But now who has the last damn word? 

Ha! Hah! Ha-ha-aha! Oh, what sport! What astounding, overflowing levity! Man, this is liberating. Grant me restraint, Euphrosyne! I beg of you.

Students began to text back "new phone who dis," and various memes. Pritchett did not respond to these texts. 

Wendell knew that they were just misguided rugrats that needed a little love and support to stop them from killing the innocent people in West Philly.  

I have caught Covid 7 different times, and have not once tested negative since March 13th. I have blood dripping from my eyeballs in quarts everyday.  

While many feel as though they only settled for Biden, not having to act embarrassed by a direct connection to the President feels like a win. At this point it almost feels like being actually proud of a Penn alumni might just be too greedy.   

I'm really having a difficult time deciding.