Penn Students, Start Misusing Your Privilege More
Privilege is so lit. Probably the best thing about being a straight white male.
Opinion
Penn’s Commencement Plans Overlook Orthodox Jews and Those Who Already Booked Their Bora Bora Tickets
Penn’s willful ignorance of Orthodox Jewish students’ religious practices, as well as Stephanie’s well-planned-out schedule to live it the fuck up in Bora Bora can be corrected.
Penn Students, Start Misusing Your Privilege More
Privilege is so lit. Probably the best thing about being a straight white male.
OP-ED: We Need You on a Dining Plan So We Can Pay the Mortgage on Huntsman Hall
Like many regretful property owners, we were emboldened by a particularly charismatic real estate agent who convinced us to stretch just a little bit beyond our budget.
Penn’s Commencement Plans Overlook Orthodox Jews and Those Who Already Booked Their Bora Bora Tickets
Penn’s willful ignorance of Orthodox Jewish students’ religious practices, as well as Stephanie’s well-planned-out schedule to live it the fuck up in Bora Bora can be corrected.
Resumé Leaked From the Guy Who Landed the Goldman Sachs Internship
Honors/Awards: Second best bong ripper in my frat, 99+ Tinder likes, Definitely not a virgin, Was hazed for two years instead of the usual one year
Ned’s Declassified Penn Survival Guide
Penn can be a scary and confusing place to navigate. But don’t worry! To help students turn the challenges of Penn into opportunities for growth, we at UTB have discovered the easiest tips and tricks to success!
Pandemic? Quarantine? It's 2019: Let's Get Some Shake Shack
Woah, are you okay man? That looked like a pretty nasty fall back there, but I’m glad you’re alright! Geez Louise, don’t scare me like that, bro.
What the Hell? Someone On Floor Cooking Steak au Poivre Again
What is that succulent scent wafting through the hallowed halls of Harnwell? God damn it. Is that steak au poivre?
OP-ED: Penn Greek Life Spreading COVID-19 Is Dismissive Towards Those in the Philadelphia Community That Failed To Get Bids
“It’s disrespectful towards those in the Philadelphia community who have always been hospitable towards these kids and literally can’t even get into an invite-only rush event. It’s bullshit.”
Report: Second Floor Panera Bread Fraught With the Hostile Stares of the Better Adjusted
But is any of this effort enough to gear me up for the absolute bloodbath on the second floor of Panera Bread?
OP-ED: Penn Board of Trustees Votes to Begin Annual Child Sacrifices to Welcome the Harvest, and I FW It.
I know what you’re all thinking: Aren’t there so many better reasons to sacrifice children than to welcome the harvest? The answer is no, there isn’t.
Let’s Abolish the Pipeline from NASCAR to Penn Transit
When Jerry swerves and hits that sharp right turn, my heart drops to my ass, and suddenly I’m a devout Christian.
Sup Bro: Do You Mind Proofreading My Essay?
Yeah, just read it over and add a few suggestions or something. I’ll take a look at it once I get back from Smokes. Don’t be afraid to tear it to shreds — it’s due at midnight.
Girl Who Hates Her Birthday Makes Big Deal About Birthday
I am a cool, chill girl who just doesn’t care about my birthday.
OP-ED: COVID-19 Sucks, But Old People Suck More
I just think that before we have a conversation about the negative effects of COVID, we should just quickly talk about the negative effects of the elderly.
Exclusive Hot Bitch Location: The High Rise Stairwells
Want to look like the most exclusive, hottest bitches in Philadelphia? UTB did all the hard work for you and found out where they all like to hang out.
It's Not Junk Food, Mom: I'm Carrying on the Duchampian Tradition of the Readymade
For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.
How To Tell Your White Friends Their Smelly Asses Need a Bidet
You think sheets of paper are gonna rectify the damage of your blowing asshole?
Lonely? Buy Another Plant You Depressed Son of a Bitch
Some have commented that plants are even better than digital interactions, such as Facetime or Zoom, because “My monstera can’t leave me like everyone else.”
Op-Ed: Stop COVID Vaccinations and Let Us Die as the Lord Intended
If you repent and pray extra hard, you will be saved.
Unhinged! Seven Doors that Aren’t Structurally Sound
We all know that doors are all a little bonkers, but these seven doors are TOTALLY unhinged!
