I am still having trouble tasting the difference between a genuine, loving companion and that frat guy who told me, “You know, you and my dad’s yacht have something in common. You can both handle my load.”
Celebration time! We did it! We resisted! Time to relax, sleep in, and stop marching and protesting. With savior Joe Biden elected, we can stop discussing wealth and racial inequalities every single day and get back to brunch at White Dog Cafe!
I am still having trouble tasting the difference between a genuine, loving companion and that frat guy who told me, “You know, you and my dad’s yacht have something in common. You can both handle my load.”
I want to thank (celebrity), (closeted-gay Republican), (sell-out democrat), (porn star), (Trump family member), and myself.
Celebration time! We did it! We resisted! Time to relax, sleep in, and stop marching and protesting. With savior Joe Biden elected, we can stop discussing wealth and racial inequalities every single day and get back to brunch at White Dog Cafe!
Sorry, Dad! I know that you live a pious, sex-less life, you soggy Mitch McConnell-look alike and that neither you nor mother has touched your Sahara Desert of a peen since 2015, but this meat’s gotta get tenderized on the reg.
So today, November 5th, when I cast my vote, I will bring the action and the excitement. I will be the life of the party - both Democratic and Republican. And, most importantly, I will be the only insta-story with a pic at the polls.
What a shame Trump might win Pennsylvania on a razor thin margin. If only people had gone out and done the work… reminding me to vote.
The idea of piety is fundamentally at odds with the cultural habits of white people. The idea of salvation is, quite frankly, laughable.
My professors have recently been cutting into that time more and more, to the point that I may not have any time tonight to contemplate my existence while listening to Frank Ocean.
The best way to lock down a Gutmann costume is to spook West Philly residents. Strutting down the streets, checking out future Penn property, being the gentrifying queen you are. Maybe there’s a cool space to build New College House West West?
My mom is NOT the type of woman to sign notes for me willy nilly! That's why I was shocked when my mom told me that I would be going to school this spring regardless of University protocol.
While you gleefully wait to vote, you can discuss with others in line with you… even those across the political aisle. You can discuss important items - like the candidates, policies, and how long the line is that y’all are currently standing in.
Maybe your mom lost that signature twinkle in her eye, and your dad simply couldn’t bear to look at her anymore.
Gay rights lasted 5 whole years. That’s almost as long as Glee’s 6-year TV run, and that should count for something!
At this point, I need to take what I can get, and what I can get is spotted red lantern flies.
Most days Jessica calls and tells people that their Social Security Number has been stolen, but some days she is given a lot of freedom and even gets to tell them their car has been robbed or that their brother was in prison. She told UTB that her job is not easy and requires expert communication and interpersonal skills.
Cheating is hot. It also has the potential to destroy relationships, families, general trust in humanity, and your pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive - but that just makes it hotter.
Seconds after I trashed the gum, everyone jumped down my throat about how “unamerican” I am. I want to think that I am perfectly American: I refuse to change my opinion when faced with facts, and steadfastly ignore the needs of others.
“Nevertheless, she persisted” merchandise? More like “Nevertheless, she frack-sisted” merch!
Now I can say with certainty that anyone on campus must have mommy issues. Sucks to suck.
Solutions by The State News
