Who would have thought that out of all the methods that have been tried to get the attention of officials and calls to reform the police, all it would take is a single can of cold, sugary goodness?

Elon launched the biggest social distancing gesture in history this week: he yeeted some guys into space. My question for Elon is, whose side are you on? 

While at first I was pretty bummed that my semester was cut short, I now realize that study abroad wasn't going to give me anything I couldn't get from the comfort of my own home.

It's black and has my high school (Oakcrest) on it. There are some stains on the right sleeve, I promise it's just ketchup, not blood or anything. Heh. Anyway, if you could go to DRL and get it, it would really mean a lot to me.

2019 is over. It is time to say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer and hello to Pasty Girl Spring.

This isn't about you. It's about liberated women everywhere. It's about women everywhere who are really fucking lonely. You can do it. We believe in you. 

Craigslist exists to help us build ourselves up as a community, whereas Dean’s List exists to break us apart and tear us down.

 Lfklfjksj uughwhjhsd brughsgdjhds hhdjdj ughhhhhshj. Agfshddhdfjkfd.

Always appearing at official university functions, but only from a distance. So rarely seen that meeting her around campus is a newsworthy event — one that must be documented with photographic evidence for your peers.

That girl from your chem class that had to get her eyes rinsed three times this semester? Definitely knows she deserves a B- at best. And for you, the one person in your class that actually gets your work done on time and perfectly crafts every essay and problem set despite being drunk or hungover the entire weekend? The coveted A+, reserved for only the worthiest of students. 

My n   ame's Blurr  yface an d I c  are w hat y ou thi    nk

Now I know that Tulsi dropped out a while back, but I’m pretty sure that whole “dropping out” thing was a fakeout. Let’s look at the math.

The chalk teared into the board, revealing a raw, jagged equation.

Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.

Luckily, I recovered from hand, foot, and mouth disease — but my GPA never will.

This was not a desperate attempt at control — it was just a simple aesthetic choice.

Listen, I know there’s coffee in it. I know that there’s something else because it’s not just regular coffee. I don’t know how it’s different from a cappuccino or why it seems to cost more. Do I need to know these things to order it everywhere I go? No!

5. Playing Monopoly with your family. For those of you who have a family, it might help your mood to dip your toes in our upcoming anarcho-capitalist dystopia by playing some friendly matches of the board game. 

No flippin’ way, man… NO FLIPPIN’ WAY! ARE YOU IN FLIPPIN' SAN FRANCISCO RIGHT NOW?? Is that… IS THAT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE???

Although graduate programs may be confused as to how to interpret the stickers, I think they’ll quickly learn that anything holographic is innately superior to any sticker that has a flaccid, one-dimensional color scheme.