Penn should pay PILOTS because aviators matter too, and I'm sick and tired of airplane PILOTS not being given the compensation they so clearly deserve.

Here are the top three toilets to sip from across campus.

In case that last bunch didn't do it for ya (didn't I do it for you?).

Regardless of whether this is your 1st lonely Valentine’s Day or your 78th, the UTB Staff is here to provide you with some quality suggestions of what to do when you’re spending Valentine’s Day alone.

I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life.

Selling for $20. What a steal, right! Right? Please tell me this is right. Please. Someone hold me. It's so hard sleeping alone.

I know this is my fifth late essay of the semester, but I wanted to explain myself.

I'm a stinky little pig girl who drank too much, and now I need some one to fill my trough up to its brim. 

But, in the broad scheme of things, Penn has had some seriously questionable alumni. Case in point, the 46th President of the United States of America: Donald Trump.

 Wait... does anyone have a cigarette? No pressure, just thirsty. 

You have a class at nine a.m., don’t you? Fuck you. Go to sleep. Unlike you, I still care, and I can't stand the sight of you like this.

Have you been feeling hopeless, panicked, or uncontrollably sad? Well, rather than seeking help or telling yourself that you are loved and have lots to look forward to, there are several reasons why you should actually feel guilty about your depression, even though it is an illness you are not at fault for.

Just wanted to reach out to offer you a formal invitation to join an exclusive club. Like, this is super legit. No no no, not Friars. I'm inviting you to join... my professional network.

Uh oh! You've been logged out of your iCloud account. But no worries — of course you know your password. Or do you? Take this quiz to find out!

But I mean if anyone drops and you need an extra guy I guess I could find the time in my schedule.

I mean, do you even remember 9/11? Do you even know what that is?

Some may say I most likely have narcolepsy and should seek treatment. I say yeah, maybe. Or maybe I’m just vibing.

Joe Biden has been flip-flopping for the last 50 years. Meanwhile Col. Sanders has been using the same 11 herbs and spices. Sure, the Colonel is not a seasoned veteran of the political process, but goddamn if that chicken isn’t perfectly seasoned every time.

We tried Trump’s mama bear politics, and people are too scared for Bernie’s papa bear sensibilities, so it’s time to settle right in the middle and get cozy with baby bear Jeb.

The day I stumble upon $1000 in my Venmo balance is the day I decide to wholly commit myself to making Andrew Yang the President of these United States.