Amy Gutmann ages, just like the rest of us. And when you age too much, you die. And when you die you can’t be the president of the University of Pennsylvania.

This defies reason. Boise, the cultural heart of the northwest, faces dramatic political realignment. Mayoral endorsement by the Daily Pennsylvanian would have gone a long way in shaping the future of this vital region.

I don’t know much about Penn’s athletics, but I do know that student-athletes are not only students but also they’re athletes. This duality means that they do physical exercise on a regular basis in addition to studying. Logically, then, one might assume that student-athletes are in good shape.

How did that even get there? I don't have the slightest.

The issue with coming from New Jersey is that I have no experience with Christianity. My high school was made up exclusively of Jews, atheists, and Jewish atheists.

Imagine: One day Eric is posing with Lily Aldridge at a Bulgari party in Venice but is not a billionaire. The next moment, he is posing with Lily Aldridge at a Bulgari party in Venice and is a billionaire. It almost makes me tear up when I think about it.

A recent study by the University of Pennsylvania found that 100% of CIS majors at Penn experience self-doubt, and some straight-up depression. But why? Could it be the crippling amount of work they are expected to complete every week? Perhaps it's the strictly-enforced private nature of their work that allows for no open collaboration with other CIS students who might otherwise ease their grief.

An entire section of this student-run newspaper was dedicated to sports!

Wilco had no comment. But I could tell he was proud to be an American.

Poor baby, you don’t know anything about reality. You probably don’t even have lesions on your genitals. How are you going to work at a big, bad company like Goldman without a disfiguring STI?

Handshake calls itself “the largest career community for students and recent grads.” Well, do you know where diseases spread? That’s right — communities. And do you know how they spread? Physical touch.

Sure, I didn’t read Goffman’s The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life but I’m sure you didn’t either. Where was the romance? The suspense? 

My fan might be small, but my wind-fueled hatred towards you and everything you stand for is immense.

If ladies want to show off as a little bit of skin, why shouldn't they? Let them dress up as a slutty devil, a cop showing some cleavage, or literally anything else. They're just having fun and not hurting anyone. As long as they're not painting their faces the colors of Joaquin Phoenix's Joker, I don't see any problem with it.

Like any self-hating Jew, I love me a good sukkah. Who wouldn’t want to spend the holidays in a cubic hut?

Depending on your natural features, some Penn Faces will be more flattering on you, and it’s critical that you choose the right one.  Do you see how good everyone else looks? That’s because they’re matching their Penn Face to their face shape, and you’re not. And that’s because they have more friends than you and are more accomplished than you are.

Listen! It’s SO fine that you don’t get it, because I have very particular taste in shows and other forms of popular media, and not everyone is like that! But I do want to make sure we are on the same page about one thing: this costume IS funny.

After days trying to write jokes, a thought came to my head: Why isn’t it hilarious to make fun of nursing students? Isn't nursing a big thing here or something?

Knock knock! Hi! My name’s Lucy. I’m a sophomore, haha. I was just looking by and couldn’t help but notice what a nice, cozy little townhouse you have here!

Come clean to the world, Mark. Admit the true origins of Libra.