Oh are my plumes of fumes bothering you? Sorry not sorry, cause this is my emotional support juul and I need it to function.

This might sound difficult, but don’t fret.

If you could read, you would know this is reserved.

I’m sure the climate strike is important or whatever, but the UN says the world is ending in twelve years and I need to make sure I’m rich enough to afford a bunker.

Their cigarettes haphazardly dangle from the corners of their mouths as they launch verbal assaults in the hopes of gaining entrance — the hope to be just as they are, but under the safety of a ceiling. 

MY EMAIL! I’M TALKING ABOUT THAT EMAIL THAT YOU APPARENTLY HAVE NOT SEEN AND MAYBE WILL NOT SEE. 

Is the cuddling necessary? It’s not cold today. Stop. I can’t focus when you’re staring into each other’s eyes like that, pressed together with gentle smiles. Go away.

She can also be found asking what math class you’re taking — only to flash a patronizing smile when you answer.

I knew it would take a little bit of time for my Josh man to find a group of his own.

Do you think that by not showing an underpaid TA that you have belongings and a heart and a soul that your grade will automatically be boosted?

Am I clairvoyant? Can I see the future? Am I God? Am I terribly sad about my good friend Trevor’s horrible loss? Yes to all of those. Betsy McLoughlin’s legacy will live on forever, and now so will mine.

All I can say is that Bernie Sander’s is on to something here. The top 1% of frat brothers are having 99% of all the sex on campus, and I think there’s something wrong with that.

The first night of NSO my freshman year, I went to a hot, sweaty frat party. Then, I had sex with someone I met at that party. I had sex with that person because they found me attractive, and this person was not alone. 

I’ve had it up to here with the way you handle your landscaping. Have you ever taken a look around Locust? It’s absolutely teeming with Japanese zelkovas.

For example, my parents could only send their kid to Penn because they had a kid to begin with. Naturally, you need to get laid, as my parents presumably did, in order to become a parent. Then and only then will you have a kid that you can send to Penn.

I was intimidated by your mastery of Franklin, Google Scholar, and all its derivatives. Most of all, I was fearful that you would prove to me just how little I know about books and sourcing them compared to you.

A select group of high-achieving, outgoing, white, male second years would be selected to board with Gutmann and her husband in their 13,975 square-foot house on Walnut. This would allow Gutmann to show solidarity with the sophomores, who must now overpay for a shared room with a hotel kitchenette.

Never (never) have I been able to indulge in the sweet, elusive nectar that is the Mango Dragon Fruit Refresher.

Basically, what I’m saying is that I know how to appreciate living in Philadelphia. I explore, and sometimes I take pictures since I like to document the neat things I see.

You probably look up to Elon Musk, yeah?