Oh hey! Are you also heading over to class now? Sweet me too. I was worried I was going to be late, but you’re here too.

Picture this: I’m sitting in my room and I hear music through the wall, coming from the shared living space in this house. I wouldn’t describe the music as pleasant. In fact, it was absolutely heinous. Usually, I’m a pretty considerate roommate. Low maintenance. Chill. But if I have to listen to this playlist for another second of my life, I’m going to fucking lose it.

 I now stare at my phone for hours, laughing at videos that are nearly identical.

Seriously, name another law of murder. “Don’t murder”? “Stop murdering people”? “Murder is bad, don’t do it please”? They all boil down to the same thing, friend. I think you get where I’m going with this. 

Located in a converted bar, this place has it all: beer, wine. Sometimes people. But that doesn't really matter because you're not going to go.

The new health service, a result of an ongoing collaboration between Student Health and Career Services, has left me feeling immeasurably relieved. It has offered me solace and peace and has allowed me to get through my Econ seminar without worrying once about whether I’ll have old eggs when I’m at the peak of my professional trajectory.

Thesis advisors everywhere will urge you to avoid topics you don’t fervently care about. “If you write about something you are deeply passionate about, this process will be a lot easier,” Professor Likehert tells her students. Then I thought, what more do I care about than myself?

 These sleek Wunder Under High-Rise Tight Snow-Washed Ribbed leggings are something else. You could say that they’re the height of athleisure.

It might come as a surprise that Penn’s security force is one of the largest private police forces in the country.

When I left, after a totally appropriate amount of time might I add, I thought all parties had an adequate experience, and adequate should be like a solid B I think. 

Sometimes, when the high is 67°, I feel a sense of hope. I get a semi for fall. I might even drink hot tea. But then, the next day it's back to a cesspool of heat and I am left sweating, flaccid, and with no release.

Every professor tells me the same thing about you Nick, that you’re a “great resource when writing a paper,” but let’s be real, when it’s down to the wire, I’m going on funfactz.com/great-depression to write my paper not Articles+ on Franklin.

Why in the world would I not just grab my Sushi and Red Bull and walk away?

No other CVS compares, and I’ve tried dozens. The CVS near Franklin’s Table is cold and unfeeling; the aisles stretch infinitely backward, the shelves are higher and menacing, the granola bar selection is subpar at best, seriously lacking in mint chip Cliff bars at worst.

I don't have a girlfriend (yet), but I've started making plans for when I inevitably get one. I did some scouting and put together this list of six extremely romantic places on campus where I would kiss her. Man, I love her so much already.

UTB, I'll miss you. Seth Fein, I love you.

HUMANS! GONE ARE YOUR HAND-CRAFTED TORTAS AND CHIPS, YOUR TANGY BEVERAGES, YOUR DELICIOUS SALSA! WE HAVE REPLACED THEM WITH HOT POCKETS AND INSTANT PIZZA. ARE YOU NOT AFRAID?

I know this frat on Spruce where we’ll have a really bad time and immediately want to leave. The guys at this frat are simultaneously really mean to everyone and also sexually attracted to everyone.

I am funny, and if you think otherwise then my sense of humor is probably beyond you.

Stay perfectly still like you’re just a mannequin of a boy peeing. Science has proven that if you stay perfectly still, people will think you are a statue or an art installation.