This past Spring Fling, several colleagues and I were dispatched to ensure that students were having a safe and legal weekend by going undercover and attending college parties. I am writing to inform all of you that this was extremely important and very much not a “waste of time and resources."

I knew that without Fling to look forward to and enjoy, my life would be quite meaningless. 

I started out with good intentions. My project, Juntos Garajados: Building Garages for Goats in Bolivia seemed positioned to be the next big South American goat garage-building project, and I had my budget down to a T. I knew I was about to change the world. 

The photographs of the Messier 87 black hole means a whole lot for astronomy, but what does it mean for me, as a Sagittarius?

So please, start paying attention to me, and fix that exam grade I emailed you about.

We got the shot with a baguette (and a deliberately suggestive comment about other baguette shaped items), the shot in the Louvre (posing next to a sculpture — she doesn't know which one), and the shot capturing the end of her time there with her making a faux-sad face saying she never wants to leave this “magical place.”

TheMinimunWordRequirementWas2000ButMyTotalWordCountWasOnlyOne.

Jupiter’s in retrograde, which is supposed to bring out my spontaneous side, which is NOT something I researched for this particular article.

All I’m trying to say is that I’m 100% vulnerable to the measles, but I’m also 100% down to fuck.

Castle isn’t really hosting an event, they just want to bring us closer together as a school. That’s why they sent us on an impossible quest to get “tickets,” because they know we’d have to work together and meet so many new people along the way. 

 There are nearly zero bathrooms on campus designed and intended specifically for men.

Why, when most of us are content with small packs that fit within our frame, do some insist on carrying around monstrous sacks that do little but obstruct?

Plus, the other day when it went up to 80°, it felt like they were going to melt and run down my leg. This makes me very nervous about my reproductive health. 

Anyone who’s anyone knows that the most important part of Spring Fling is the fit you sport from darty to darty throughout the weekend.

You and Jessica have been going strong for nine months now, but these past couple of weeks you’ve noticed that the two of you have grown more and more distant. You have no idea why, but there’s this guy Brad in her OIDD class that she’s always getting food with now. 

It seems that when it comes to the main Fling event, Penn has been scraping the bottom of the barrel for some time now. What the concert needs is a fresh new update – a headliner that will make the Penn student body proud to whip out their lighters and sway to the music in the cool spring breeze.

That's when I stumbled into a "State Day" themed party at Beta: I had finally found my people.

Like, we could have just relied on those birth control pills I'm pretty sure you're on.

I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!”

If Venmo doesn’t work for you, I can accept payment in many different forms.