Don't worry about plagiarism or anything; you have my permission to just fling these into your work willy-nilly.

Philly is a city in need of a protector. And for the small, heavily guarded and heavily gentrified bubble that is Penn, Scoot Squad is up for the challenge.

It is hypothesized that if everyone were named Steinberg-Dietrich, the class system would collapse, as no one would be able to tell who the real Steiny-D is.

“Wouldn’t this toilet paper just look so good in my bathroom instead?”

But uh, hey, remember when we went to AC for Feb club?

It conveys that we're talking about the wee hours and imparts a hot, beefy aftertaste.

My creator has surely abandoned me in this time of need, left me to float in the warm, sweat-scented air of this metal container, hurtling upwards towards what I hope will be my eventual demise.

Not just my mom, though. I’d also like to be able to tell my friends and, perhaps most importantly, my many, many enemies. One day, I’m going to change my occupation on Facebook, and it’s probably going to get bare minimum 1000 likes.

Kevin isn't poor. I mean, I've met his parents. His dad is kind of ugly and his mom is hot, so yeah, I bet he's rich.

Think about it. If people here really got down and dirty before dating for at least seven months, I, of all people, would be reaping the benefits.

 mean, sure, being a lawyer would be cool. I guess. But, bro, let’s be real. That is hella work. Applications, recs, LSATs, etc. I can’t even get my UTB articles in on time.

But this time, I’m telling you the truth. I didn’t want to come to this GBM so intensely, it’s actually a miracle that I’m here at all. I already know the names of everyone in my sketch group. Plus, your “announcements” are things you could just send us via email.

That’s not to say that I’m necessarily very good at push-ups, just that I think I’m definitely better at them than Wendell.

Luckily, at UTB, we have devised a highly scientific method of determining which laptop stickers toe the line between being an obnoxious braggart and a saintly intellectual.

Workers of the world unite! But can you not, like unite SO much? I still want my crop tops. 

Let’s be honest: when I’m in job interviews, I say I write for the Daily Pennsylvanian. 

How else will she be a nationally ranked athlete unless she joins a sport that less than 5,000 people in America play?

Although it is is besieged on all sides by companies who refuse to write “Merry Christmas” on their holiday beverage cups and by foods that have just a little too much seasoning, I would like to take the time to stop and really appreciate what white people have contributed to our society.

See, I prepared case studies and an impeccably rehearsed monologue about the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced, but they never asked me any of that.

They were domestics also. There was a PBR, which, well, who buys PBR in a glass bottle?