A new study from the University of Pennsylvania conclusively proves that I literally cannot stop tears from flowing down my cheeks.

Many believe that the bond between parent and child is sacred and foundational to our society. However, this sort of myopic, me-first viewpoint endangers the very bedrock of equality and justice.

He is literally my dream guy. You know, if he didn’t do all of those bad things, I guess.

Mr. Grant’s Papa energy is so strong that whenever I see him sitting down I have to actively fight the urge to sit on his lap and ask for a bedtime story.

“Technically, the first amendment supports me in that...” no, Braden. Do not bring the first amendment into your pants. Just chill out. 

The hours are long, the work is thankless, and sometimes the morality isn't clear, but is being a mercenary really so different from consulting?

While all of you schmucks are probably carelessly snapping photos of your junk (emphasis on the junk), I’m making art.

Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, and Billboard take heed: quit searching now, because the best song of 2019 is already here, and baby it rules (it rules, it rules, it rules).

"Sending me nudes is absolutely critical for maintaining the security of Penn in touch. First of all, hackers will be distracted by the nudes and perhaps elect to self-stimulate rather than continuing to hack."

It was so forward of you, tapping on my story like that and watching it.

From behind trembling lips, you cough up the words “one oat milk chai, please.” 

So Brendan is obviously number one, I mean no question. He looks like Timothée Chalamet mixed with every soccer player ever.

I am never the type to just blindly follow the rules because someone passing by on the street or my entire close circle of family and friends tells me to. 

What is the school hiding from us? Maybe there’s a community of gremlins down there. Maybe it’s some cool old bones. I think the most likely option is probably that it's Steve Buscemi's hidey-hole. 

I had no idea I was classically conditioning myself to associate sex with Ira, but now I absolutely cannot cum without his voluptuous voice tapping on my eardrums.

Forget the dew-drinking keyboard denizen at Amazon HQ. It doesn't matter to me if you’re part of a worldwide data-mining operation orchestrated by Jeff Bezos himself. What matters is that you’re mine, sweetheart.

The similarities between these TikTok ads and street harassment always make me reach for my keys… and, as a freshman, I don’t even own keys anymore. How am I supposed to feel safe holding a Penncard between my knuckles?

Am I going to start putting in more work than ever now that my professional future is rapidly approaching? You bet your sweet ass I won’t. What am I doing instead? Take this quiz to find out!

Do I think I’m better than anyone in particular? No, my god, I’m not conceitfed. Do I think I’m just a bit better than the generalized “everybody”? A little. 

I know I'm short. I know you think I'm short. I can see how much you want to express it. By all means, go ahead.