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Opinion


OP-ED: That Never Happened

A recounting of pre-break events


Photo Essay: Welcome to My World of Truly Delicious Foods

Buckle up and let's discover some great foods together...


OP-ED: I’m Going to Cabo for Spring Break in a Woke, Leftist Way

 As Marx once said, “let the people darty.” 


You Think You Can Jaywalk Across Spruce Street to Lower Quad Better Than I? Watch This.

 My hands are sweating. I’m Usain Bolt in the 2008 Beijing Olympics. 


Super Bowl? I Thought This Weed Was Just Okay

I mean, it was a fun sesh, but super? I thought it was pretty standard, all things considered. 


OP-ED: I Lost My Dignity to Bento Box A

Imagine if they were cheaper around finals... I would personally not be spared



op-id: i got my hipocampal fat removal at es aych es i think

i said i want to luk like liamishel and i want surgury liamishel has and nurs sed ok


Breaking! I Was Held Hostage and Tortured Inside Five Guys this Entire Time

It’s incredible how much mental and physical torture five men can inflict in just 18 months.


OP-ED: I've Been Thinking Recently

Thinking. Pondering. Wondering.


How to Gently Tell Your Friend That All Sororities Are the Same Tier in the Eyes of God

He does, however, consider your membership in ILMUNC, the Philomathean Society, and Penn Democrats.


OP-ED: How Can I Pursue A Career In Academia In A Cool, Ironic, Cool Kind of Way?

I guess one way would be to write for some shitty comedy outlet a few times a week and just delegitimize everything I do in class. 


OP-ED: If I'm Not Going To Watch Fox News Shirtless In My Floor Lounge, Who Will?

My friends on the TV were somewhat concerned with the state of the US House of Representatives.


Finals Season! 10 Places On Campus to Conduct Your Eternal Scream In

Finally! A comprehensive list of places where one can scream in and be at peace.


How to Merge the Ego and the Self in the Huntsman Bathroom Mirror

 I miss the enlightened and sincere demeanor you presented with before this interschool minor!


Vaccines Work: How My Unvaccinated Roommate Died of Misdiagnosed Tuberculosis

Check on your friends with Health Registration Holds…    


Happy Thanksgiving! My Friend Told Me I Have the Facial Structure of Goody Proctor

I think it’s your nose, maybe your chin. It's like someone overlayed every white girls' face. 


Damn: Insufferable Rich Kid Actually Pretty Drippy

Despite his decidedly insufferable characteristics, I must concede that this kid fucking dripsssss.


OP-ED: You Can’t Kick Me Out of a GSR in a Way That Matters

I realize I am damned to this narrative.


OP-ED: I Need You To Love Me More

Nothing is truly ever as it seems, yet everything acts in accordance to what you do. Therefore, extend your love to me!


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