I look at my resume. Job experience: tennis teacher. Clubs and activities: under the button. Darn it, this won’t get me that internship at Goldman Sachs.

I slept in the Moelis Family Grand Reading Room, the ATO roof deck, under the button, and the Quad Catacombs.

First, I began sneaking them into our texts. “Hey — can we talk tonight?” “Do you want to hang out — maybe next Friday?” “Wow, that GIF you sent of a guy slipping and falling head-first into a tub full of hot sauce was — frankly — pretty epic.”

Wait until your code isn’t looking, then scream “Yahtzee!” really loudly. Before you know it, your code will be speeding out of there in no time flat.

See this waterfall? It can go fuck itself too. 

We are very please that despite many of your limitations, you were able to snag a coveted University administration spot, as INTERIM–provisional, temporary, short-term, etc.–Provost. 

אבל כל המסעות חייבים להסתיים שכן רק על ידי הפסקת מסע זה בכלל מסע, אחרת אנחנו מעמידים את עצמנו במצב מתמיד של תנופה, בלי יכולת ליישם את ממצאי המסע שלנו. אָמֵן.

And besides, what else does Penn need to be spending money on? Subsidizing cost of living for FGLI students? Expanding financial aid packages?

Here’s my take on the Living World Sector. We are living. We are in the world. If we wanna live longer in the world, let's do some running!

Look in the mirror, you ugly piece of shit. That whopping schnoz on your face makes me literally gag. What are you, a toucan?

Ahh, okay, good for you, I guess? I’d really rather be doing something else right about now.

Europeans. Throw. Better. Parties. 

My bosom could now be mounted without my face being a massive turnoff. Masks were the new protection; I’ll take paper over latex any day. 

Most disappeared in pairs, but some particularly cruel socks remained even as their partners left, just to taunt me. There is nothing so horrible as being able to find only one sock out of a pair.

I was having a conversation with one of my many acquaintances who are so overwhelmingly in love with me that they pop the question: “Where do you live?” Why do you want to know? Do you want to bed me?

Every man for themselves…

You wanted it, you asked for it — we listened.

Maybe I am a bad person, maybe one day I will be the victim of a crime just as heinous, and maybe then I will have sympathy for these individuals who have their internet persona robbed from them, but as of now, I do not care. 

Here's a valid excuse for missing class: a warning to the insensitive fools who skip class for a death in the family.

When I swipe with three fingers on my trackpad to access all 12 of my desktops (each with a different photo of St Vincent as desktop background), do not come near – the magnificence of it all might frighten you.