I remember the days when a neighbor was a friend, a jaywalker was a scoundrel, and a woman’s rightful place was in the kitchen. How have we gone so wrong so quickly?

Now, I have a natural aptitude for the athletic — I can do a gorgeous spin, and every day I wake up and perform the ancient practice of dance for at least fifteen minutes.

Yeah, I’m eating here alone at Hill, but I’m just waiting for my friend to show up. He should be here any minute. Didn’t plan on eating alone like some kind of sad-sack loser.

The thing we have come to know as something as big as life – covid, coveed, the rona, the Kung Flu, Wuhan Virus, however you want to call it – is still there. And guess what? It will never go away

Can we normalize dressing badly? It's not just a hazing thing. For some of us, it's a lifestyle.

I love the idea of watching 23 soon-to-be consultants pretend to be instruments.

Are there any other pisces in the room?

ohh, did that one have fudge inside??? :) :) :) Hell YEAH! :) :) :) :) :)

How many times do I have to explain this? It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp.

 My clout got too high! That happens sometimes. Hoes mad! 

Remember, you naked agent of everything. The world didn’t corrupt you; you corrupted the world. And now you are crying? You absolute angel.

I believe that no student should have to take Econ 001 or Econ 002 at Penn.

Anything green is sustainable, right????

Tonight, like a phoenix from the ashes, you will steal that Aritizia Superpuff that was so delicately, so playfully tossed across the Natty Light puddle beneath your feet. It’s fate.

Hear me out. It's what they would want: voices being heard. 

Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.

 OMG protip: can you,,,, like take the staiws if u live on floor 5 or below??? Pl0x???// *tail swishing* roflcopter!!!!!! 

Who am I, you ask? WHO AM I? I’m Wendell goddamn Pritchett! What do you mean, you’ve never heard of me? Shut up! SHUT! UP!!! God DAMN IT!

Looking back at the headline of this article, which I pitched but a few paltry days ago, I can only conclude that it was birthed from a fit of narcissistic megalomania, potentially while I was under the influence of the good ol’ rotgut, no less.

Let’s address the university’s new double mask mandate for what it is: a blatantly misogynistic attack on the rights of sexy girls everywhere to show some skin and release some particles.