Opinion
OP-ED: I Wish I Could Come To Your Show but I Can't Because It Sounds Awful
I love the idea of watching 23 soon-to-be consultants pretend to be instruments.
Celebrate? Nobody in My 8:30 Math Recitation Knows Today Is My Birthday
Are there any other pisces in the room?
Self-Help: Help Yourself to Another Brownie :)
ohh, did that one have fudge inside??? :) :) :) Hell YEAH! :) :) :) :) :)
OP-ED: I'll Do a Line, and Then You Strangle Me, Okay?
How many times do I have to explain this? It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp.
Letter From the Editor: I’m a Vibe? What Do You Mean Angel
My clout got too high! That happens sometimes. Hoes mad!
OP-ED: Suck Me Dry See If I Care
Remember, you naked agent of everything. The world didn’t corrupt you; you corrupted the world. And now you are crying? You absolute angel.
Penn Club Initiatives: Have They Gotten Out of Hand?
I believe that no student should have to take Econ 001 or Econ 002 at Penn.
Quitting Nicotine Is So Easy! I’ve Already Done It Like 6 Times
Vaping is bad for you.
World Record: I’ve Accumulated 137 Green 2 Go Boxes in My Room
Anything green is sustainable, right????
OP-ED: The Grab and Go Policy Should Be Extended to Fracket Piles
Tonight, like a phoenix from the ashes, you will steal that Aritizia Superpuff that was so delicately, so playfully tossed across the Natty Light puddle beneath your feet. It’s fate.
OP-ED: Don’t You Think Homosexuals Are Just Narcissistic?
Hear me out. It's what they would want: voices being heard.
If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?
Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.
Take the Stairs, Man! I am a Werewolf Who Needs to Make it to Rooftop Lounge Quickly so That I Can Stare Longingly at the Moon
OMG protip: can you,,,, like take the staiws if u live on floor 5 or below??? Pl0x???// *tail swishing* roflcopter!!!!!!
I’m in Charge Now, Suckers: Welcome to Pritchett World
Who am I, you ask? WHO AM I? I’m Wendell goddamn Pritchett! What do you mean, you’ve never heard of me? Shut up! SHUT! UP!!! God DAMN IT!
Write What You Know: Here are 80 Pages on My Own Staggering Genius
Looking back at the headline of this article, which I pitched but a few paltry days ago, I can only conclude that it was birthed from a fit of narcissistic megalomania, potentially while I was under the influence of the good ol’ rotgut, no less.
Style Tip: Make Your Outfit Sluttier by Only Wearing One Mask to Class
Let’s address the university’s new double mask mandate for what it is: a blatantly misogynistic attack on the rights of sexy girls everywhere to show some skin and release some particles.
OP-ED: Hear Me Out, Some Classes Need to Be Virtual
Some say that being in-person is vital for actually learning, but not enough studies have been done on the effect of in-person learning on my mental health.
OP-ED: They Should Replace the Quad With 1,500 Individual Tiny Homes
This is the new Freshman experience.
Breaking the Penn Face: Yeah I Wanna Punch You
Because if I'm not happy, nobody should be.
OP-ED: Thanksgiving Is for Family, Which Is Why It’s the One Day They’re Allowed Out of the Basement
During the year, I feed Mom, Dad, Susie, Aunt Margaret, cousins Bobby, Johnny and Lily, and Grandpa Marty through IV bags, but on Thanksgiving, I allow them to eat with their mouths!