In Print
UTB’s Guide for Sending Your Professor Ignominious Emails Asking for Undeserved Extension or Apologizing for Irredeemable Wretchedness
November 29, 2022 at 10:59 am
First step, enema.
BREAKING: Interjection Deemed Too Out-Of-Pocket Even for Zaniest Member of Friend Group
May 2, 2022 at 6:25 pm
OP-ED: Take a Hard Look at Me and Ask Me if I’m in a Sorority Again
April 27, 2022 at 4:50 pm
The answer is shocking.
Nostalgic! Eye-Rub to Unearth Glitter From Two ABBA Nights Ago
April 19, 2022 at 12:46 pm
Tragic: Most Interesting Person on Planet is Teaching Accounting
April 18, 2022 at 10:52 am
In Honor of Easter, Penn to Resurrect Masks
April 13, 2022 at 6:56 pm
BREAKING: Ken Burns Still Alive
April 7, 2022 at 2:40 pm
OP-ED: Sit Your White Ass Down and Listen
April 7, 2022 at 2:39 pm
SHOCKING: Ten People You Didn't Realize Were Wasian (Number 9 Will Shock You)
March 28, 2022 at 10:26 am
OP-ED: I Carry a Telfar Bag to School and You Will Treat Me as Such
March 25, 2022 at 12:00 am
Penn Replaces Mask Mandates With Whatever the Fuck Bjork Is Wearing Here
March 24, 2022 at 10:37 am