Some people in various states around the country were like, this quarantine thing sucks. I want to be able to buy grass seed and go to my third home. I miss the everyday freedoms like yelling offensive things at women on the street. And we all get it — every one of us misses those things too.

But look. I think we can do even better. Why would we stop at one wildly dangerous, devastating illness when we could do more?

Now I know that Tulsi dropped out a while back, but I’m pretty sure that whole “dropping out” thing was a fakeout. Let’s look at the math.

Uh-oh… it’s happening again.

Under the Button would like to appeal to the public in repentance for these mistakes. We hope that Professor Ewens himself can agree that people make mistakes, but they should always be given the opportunity to redeem themselves.

You really needed something to boost your confidence. And wouldn’t you know, this balding 40-something-year-old man was just the guy to make that happen.

The doctor continued to explain that despite not having been anywhere with very high or low altitude recently, Brandon’s elevated sense of self-worth had actually given him altitude sickness. 

We get it, you have friends. You got gal pals, and you all hang out and drink wine and bake cookies together. And cool, you get your own holiday for it. 

One time I thought I saw her, but it was just a very lifelike looking tree with yellow leaves. And that was in the fall.

"Whenever I’d go to the bathroom in the middle of a long study period I’d have mascara running down my face from all the tears. Then when I go back to studying I have the newfound knowledge that I’m stupid and ugly."

She needed to drop all her old friends before she could add the new ones because they just wouldn’t fit together. Unfortunately, as well-intentioned as her plan was, it was doomed to fail. Homstaller was not paying enough attention to the add deadline and ended up dropping all of her friends just before the deadline passed.

A dumpster fire broke out in my brain this afternoon and has yet to be extinguished.

“Well here’s what I wish I’d said. I wish I would’ve been like, 'okay sweetheart. Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna move your bag from this chair, you’re gonna pull it out for me so I can sit down, and you’re gonna apologize to me for my troubles. Then, you’re gonna pack up your stuff, walk out the door, and never show your face here again…' But instead I just apologized for bothering her, did a weird little bow, and ran out without picking up my drink.”

Does it seem like, maybe, the fact that you couldn’t get off your ass and buy the agreed upon alcohol for the party has harmed someone who has an underlying condition that made her more vulnerable to shitty alcohol?

Oh you want to know if I’ll give up any of the outlets I’m occupying? Well gosh, let me think about that. I certainly can’t unplug my space heater or my portable air conditioning, lest my body temperature stray from this equilibrium. I guess I could give up the plug for my massage chair, but it’s just not that comfortable when it’s just sitting in one place.

Again, we should definitely keep the coke cabinet unlocked. It’s just logical. 

Students forced to pay for expensive dining plans with poor food options and remarkably limited hours have been subjected to this hazing for many years without anyone considering the possibility that it’s been a hazing conspiracy this entire time.

Despite the various attempts by the Penn administration to improve the mental health services they provide, many students have found the availability and breadth of resources to be unsatisfactory.

To the dismay of Wharton students, the administration has just added an additional required class for all Wharton undergrads. How to Avoid Conspiring With Foreign Leaders Against American Democracy, or BEPP-650, will be taken by all students during their senior year. Professor Andrew Bui will be teaching the first iteration of the course starting next semester.

Yale has always thought it was hot shit because Bill Clinton went to law school there and then got impeached. Although no other ivy has been able to claim that honor, that may soon be changing. Penn may become the second ivy to have an alum impeached while in office. Though Donald Trump hardly went to Penn, having been an incredibly low-performing transfer student, he is technically an alum.