For all the anti-vaxxers, anti-waxxers, anti-inheritance-taxxers, and anti-sexual-climaxxers out there - do you commonly find yourself wishing that you too had equal access to life-threatening blood clots?

On April 20, Pennsylvania became the 16th state to legalize recreational marijuana after a years-long campaign to decriminalize the drug. 

With the final Engagement Day having come and gone, and the spring weather being so fucking noice, we are delighted to update you that the University Life and New Student Orientation and Academic Initiatives (NSOAI) has declared Tuesday, April 20th, 2021: Disengagement Day.

We cannot even imagine the depth and breadth of Penn's sphere of influence. There's the saying "money makes the world go 'round," but I think the more apt expression is: "money makes the world burn, especially if it's Penn's money." 

Marry: All of them - Don’t be stupid.

As of late Tuesday morning, the high rise field testing tent’s structure was reported to be “under more stress than I am,” said a second-semester senior who still needs to get into three more sector classes.

Whenever my TA Albert plays the devilu2019s advocate in our ethics break out rooms, my mouth becomes wetter than that massive puddle that forms outside of Commons | Becky Weisberg

The discussion post font makes me want to vomit, the app is so poorly organized that sometimes I really believe it’s worse than ‘Penn Eats’, and the ‘Zoom’ tab never. Has. The. Fucking. Link.

Try saying “quarter to twelve”, “half-past ten”, or “a third into fourteen.” These phrases will throw that unwieldy math back at your audience, forcing them to be the ones to struggle with fractions.

You’re all thinking it, and you’re all too afraid to say it.

Here is a list of people who are happy about weed being legal in NJ: Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Green Party people, people who didn’t vote, college students, adults, people of color, white people, convenience store owners, Penn admins, the producers of Animal Planet, and me.

Biden has famously responded: “Palestinians have to learn to stop viewing their opponents as enemies”, “I love Hamas! I put it on my falafel all the time” and, “Israel? What’s that?”

I am still having trouble tasting the difference between a genuine, loving companion and that frat guy who told me, “You know, you and my dad’s yacht have something in common. You can both handle my load.” 

So today, November 5th, when I cast my vote, I will bring the action and the excitement. I will be the life of the party - both Democratic and Republican. And, most importantly, I will be the only insta-story with a pic at the polls.

At this point, I need to take what I can get, and what I can get is spotted red lantern flies.

Cheating is hot. It also has the potential to destroy relationships, families, general trust in humanity, and your pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive - but that just makes it hotter.

After UTB reviewed a Shabbatones concert back in 2016, our staff figured that a Capella truly couldn't get any worse. However, following some unprecedented times back in March, it did.

One must understand that moving right, for long enough, really just takes you back to where you started. This realization naturally leads to the conclusion that all of the globe's latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates can be included in 'right outside of Philly.'

We could meal prep for the week, attend ten 60-second lectures, or take a really good shit - if only our professors actually respected our time.

Mushrooms, the only way youu2019ll ever get laid is to crawl up a chickenu2019s ass and wait.