When polled, students reported being extremely jealous of the student's incredible accomplishment: not the fact that they ran a grueling 13.1 miles straight, but their newfound ability to eat a full pint of Ben & Jerry’s Tonight Dough guilt-free. 

Our endorsement comes at a critical time for democracy. We need to choose progress over stagnation; people over profits; stability over chaos; profits over people; we need to choose [INAUDIBLE MUTTERING] to be the next President of the United States.

This little guy's been with her through thick and thin. And, he has the scars to prove it: a small tear from years of loving hugs, a scratched glass-eye from falling out the car window on a family road-trip, and now, a crusty patch of fur from Amanda’s recent situationship.

“They’re gonna quit any day now,” said close friend Rick Flamenco, who always carries a Geek Bar set to burst mode on him, giving it during parties out to whoever asks. “I mean it’s not like any of us are addicted.”

The workers seemed indifferent toward Theos, constantly misunderstood the name Apes, and displayed complete and total confusion as to whatever it is Phi Roses does on campus. 

So much happened last semester and it would take way too long to catch you up. Like Mark, for example, almost got a girlfriend. Twice. 

Liaisons to House Representative Nancy Pelosi reportedly were briefing the President on his previous decision to drop out of the race, using visual guides and a screening of Adam Sandler’s 50 First Dates to underscore their message.

“I’m divesting you from the lake house, Rachel” said one Bubbe.

“He was very accustomed to craft services,” says one source, “He really was disappointed at the lack of craft services. You’d think for an Ivy League school we’d have craft services – at least for the students who really matter.”

By seeing Biopond now, students can at least pretend to remember what it looks like when they get MERTed there later.

She’s totally in love. He briefly stopped snapping other girls out of respect. Who said true love can’t thrive at Penn?!?

You’re an older freshman and everything seems perfect: you just matched with a girl on Tinder, you both have your ages listed at 19 or 20, everything is in order. Then she hits you with a dreaded question: “What year are you?”

Penn will also extend special status to applicants whose parents were avid coke users throughout their time at Penn.

The staffer's phone is filled with videos of minors singing karaoke, dancing, passing resolutions, pretending to give birth, and other various acts the children's parents remain unaware of. 

 I shudder every time I walk past. 

We get it, you went to KitKatClub last night. Whatever. You can literally do that in Philadelphia too. It’s called TLO.

When questioned for comment, the brothers only had good things to report about the now-international Trillo. “It’s just nice to be with some of your own,” responded a Castle brother from the Philadelphia Main Line. 

Usually, you’d say “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me.” Can’t pull that shit now!

Come on bro. No way you can tell me you’re proud of that stream. 

“It’s just crazy how limited available housing is these days,” Davis said as she walked from her Chestnut apartment living room, past the guest bedroom, and into her master bedroom.