After an unprecedented 32-year-long reign in the Spruce Street region, the kingdom of Beijing Restaurant has fallen to a quintet of fair-skinned barbarians.

Being vaccinated is a highly marketable skill, especially in the finance industry, since it means you’re healthy enough to fully exploit.

Gurie Klyfe (W '23) was seen asking, “Has anyone sprinted to Miami and back in 60 seconds?”

Both sides presented very compelling points. I totally agree. 

He could just be intimidated by the intense culture here, and I don’t blame him for covering up when Penn Face is so bad these days.

The lights flickered, curtains billowed, and a faint “Hurrah, hurrah, Pennsylvan-i-a” wailed in the distance. 

“Getting a bid for the Presidency was just such a rush.”

Sure, it’s nice to see you all repost a video of a polar bear standing on melting ice, but did you personally go to the Arctic and sacrifice yourself as a form of sustenance for the bear? That’s what I thought.

Through “personal donations” from students like you, I still feel as alive as the time I personally evicted a humble group of children from their West Philadelphia school. 

Professional linguists have derived the following translation after meticulous analysis: “Bitch can you read?”

You can believe everything I have to say about this school because I basically go here already. With Eric Furda’s approval, my trusty lanyard, and steamy Ben Franklin statue photos, I have the holy trinity of being a seasoned Penn student.

The girl next to you tells everyone she’s “outdoorsy.” You call BS. Settle for these more realistic lies that will surely rock everyone’s socks!

you can explain  trickle-down  economics  but how do you explain  these tears  trickling down my face -  :'(