Now, I have a natural aptitude for the athletic — I can do a gorgeous spin, and every day I wake up and perform the ancient practice of dance for at least fifteen minutes.

 My clout got too high! That happens sometimes. Hoes mad! 

Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.

What? But I’m over 21, shouldn’t I be with Dave and the adults” she says to you, confused. “Yeah, but a tomato is technically a fruit, and we don’t put it in a fruit salad,” you reply, sagely. 

A sweet, sweet little "W" to signify how awesome I am.

The banjo. The banjo cello. The bass banjo. The five-stringed banjo. The four-stringed banjo! The  ZITHER BANJO! All of those fine, fine instruments at your disposal— and you choose your mouths? 

When you get to the checkout line, you really only have to pay for one out of every ten or eleven items you plan on leaving with.

This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes. 

A carefully selected jury of the assailant's peers (bros) gathered around a courtroom (castle basement) to perform an objective and unbiased analysis of the night's events.

Recent groundbreaking ethnographic research conducted by the Ginsburg Institute for the Amorous and Desirable has shown that the Kelly Writers’ House exudes more eroticism and sensuality than Berlin’s hottest sex clubs. 

But now I am on the adderall, and the unfortunate thing is that I am, in fact, experiencing the sensation of being on adderall. 

Childbirth. Now that we’re thinking about it, having twins is probably on par with meal prepping’s level of difficulty. But just one kid? Definitely easier. 

So frats made a commitment: they were going to host their date nights, rush events, and BYOs at bars and restaurants in the community -- all to stimulate the economy, of course. | Megan Striff-Cave & Grace Ginsburg 

Hint: It's all of them!

Ultimately, everything is bad and nothing is good, and we should all strap in and buckle up for the joint slay of horror that is coming to us in the spring of 2021. 

They are firm, realistic, executable plans that could change at any moment the second we decide something else is more profitable or convenient for us. 

Acme executives have voted to greenlight a 10 million dollar construction project that will erect a mini Acme inside Acme’s satellite Starbucks.

Days on end I have spent somberly staring out the window, my feminine passions lit ablaze by the sight of anyone resembling a delivery man. 

3. Distribute poppers to the poll workers to demonstrate your appreciation for the LGBTQ+ guardians of civil liberty.