This is insane. This morning, at the Starbucks on 34th and Walnut, I had an experience that was beyond life-changing.

Don’t deceive yourself — this isn’t “literally the end of the world” or “my life is over” kinda stuff, this is pretty much what you signed up for and what you keep signing yourself up for time and time again.

“Students who feel like there is no place for them in society outperform their peers by an exceptional margin,” philosophy chair Sally Rosencrantz reported.

It’s so surreal to see the guy whose tighty-whities I hoisted up on the school flagpole that one time in 10th grade really carve a niche out for himself, you know what I mean?

First, I began sneaking them into our texts. “Hey — can we talk tonight?” “Do you want to hang out — maybe next Friday?” “Wow, that GIF you sent of a guy slipping and falling head-first into a tub full of hot sauce was — frankly — pretty epic.”

Wait until your code isn’t looking, then scream “Yahtzee!” really loudly. Before you know it, your code will be speeding out of there in no time flat.

When it comes time to snap that fateful pic, here are ten easy tricks you can use to appear more interesting, fun, and thoughtful than you really are.

Ahh, okay, good for you, I guess? I’d really rather be doing something else right about now.

“It’s not like they’re talking to anyone in particular,” Salazie noted. “They’re kinda just saying stuff out loud.”

You wanted it, you asked for it — we listened.

I suppose it could be some sort of political statement? I mean, you have a virus in a TV on top of a suit. Maybe it’s like, commentary on how mass media has influenced the popular perception of the pandemic? Then again, it could just as easily be the calling card for some underground, sharply-dressed EDM musician named DJ Sicko.

“Man, I used to think that Ian only saw me as a literary vehicle for peddling his twisted world view, but he’s actually pretty chill,” Allen said, slurping oysters with his newfound friend. “Also, he’s hot. Like, so hot. Smoking H-O-T.”

Pottruck, a shining beacon of scholarship and mental advancement, has been home base for Penn’s brightest since 2003. And that’s what makes this new finding so baffling.

ohh, did that one have fudge inside??? :) :) :) Hell YEAH! :) :) :) :) :)

How many times do I have to explain this? It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp.

 OMG protip: can you,,,, like take the staiws if u live on floor 5 or below??? Pl0x???// *tail swishing* roflcopter!!!!!! 

Who am I, you ask? WHO AM I? I’m Wendell goddamn Pritchett! What do you mean, you’ve never heard of me? Shut up! SHUT! UP!!! God DAMN IT!

Looking back at the headline of this article, which I pitched but a few paltry days ago, I can only conclude that it was birthed from a fit of narcissistic megalomania, potentially while I was under the influence of the good ol’ rotgut, no less.

UTB has secured an exclusive interview with the so-called “Penn students” who witnessed this hilarious gesture, but inexplicably remained stony-faced for the entire duration of the proverbial “show.”