Penn Students To Leave Chopped Cheese by Fireplace Night Before Curtis Sliwa Visits Campus
Joy to the world! Curtis Sliwa is coming to town!
Jett Bolker
Gay Student Endures Premature Twink Death After Drinking Starbucks Protein Matcha
“In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, and added protein,” - Ben Franklin, more or less.
Penn Students To Leave Chopped Cheese by Fireplace Night Before Curtis Sliwa Visits Campus
Joy to the world! Curtis Sliwa is coming to town!
Top Edibles To Put In Your Child’s Easter Basket This Year
You already gave your kid weed and shrooms, might as well fully commit and make your child the coolest kid on the block.
Gay Student Endures Premature Twink Death After Drinking Starbucks Protein Matcha
“In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, and added protein,” - Ben Franklin, more or less.
Elon Musk (C ’97) Deemed “Too Off-Putting” To Hang Out With Pedophile Group
“Thank God that freak Elon isn’t here. That guy really sucks. Fucking weirdo.”
Wharton Student Brings Basketball and Fresh Pair of Nikes to MBA Program
The postgrad Wharton student was left embarrassed and humiliated after realizing a critical misunderstanding of what the letters MBA stand for.
Gone Too Soon: I Died of Thirst When McClelland Switched to Dasani
Jett Bolker
Monday, March 24, 2025Mon, Mar 24, 2025
Student Sitting on Toilet Endures Standoff With Cockroach
The student was shocked but remained calm, knowing the roach was dangerous and not to be provoked.
If Hazing Is Morally Wrong, How Do We Weed Out the Little Bitches?
After a surprising number of rush chairs and presidents took PHIL 1000, they realized that hazing is — at best — morally questionable and perhaps wrong.
Op-Ed: Please Stay Out of My Line of Sight When Waiting for the Hip Thrust Machine
The bad part about someone watching you do hip thrusts is that you’re doing hip thrusts while someone is watching you.
I Lived It: Eating at a Different Halal Cart Is Basically Adultery
I don't know how I can go on right now.
Reducing Foot Traffic One Step at a Time: I’m Suplexing Everyone Who Stops Walking in Front of Me on Locust
Finally I can put several years of elementary school martial arts classes to good use.
The Daily Pennsylvanian Replaces All Staff Writers With Infinite Monkeys on Infinite Typewriters
What happens when they do inevitably write the complete works of Shakespeare?
‘I Haven’t Played the New York Times Games Today’ and Other Things To Think About While Your Girlfriend Breaks up With You
Oh, woe is me! Boohoo! It’s not that deep, bro. You were only with her for 5 years. Get over it.
Beware: The Tickle Monster Is Coming to Crows
They will tell their bouncer to kindly inform all attendees that a “special guest” may be showing up.
Unsurprising: Wharton Student Found at Urinal With Pants and Underwear at His Ankles
This is not the first time this has happened to me, and I’m not longer shocked and appalled by it.
Student Learns That the Slow Descent of Becoming Just Like Their Unstable, Alcoholic Parents Is Actually Awesome
Clark doesn’t describe himself as an alcoholic, however; rather, he is a connoisseur of the Lites.
