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Kevin Xu


Articles

Amy Gutmann Vows to Achieve Net-Zero Salary Increase by 2050

In a brilliant display of leadership and selflessness, Amy Gutmann has announced a net-zero salary increase goal for herself by the end of 2050. After years of taking on larger and larger paychecks, Gutmann has decided that she is ready to begin the process stepping back from her role as top breadwinner on campus. 


Students Kicked from Campus as Penn’s Acceptance Rate Drops into the Negatives

As a result, students will be required to spar the Penn Quaker mascot in a one versus one boxing match in order to determine whether they will remain enrolled.


Penn InTouch Found Among Ancient Artifacts During Mayan Excavation

Although it was dated to be over 4,000 years old, the artifact seemed to almost exactly mirror the current design. Researchers have concluded that absolutely zero work has gone into updating the website since its inception. 


Student Hospitalized After Carrying Breakout Room Convo on His Back

The weight of the conversation rests on their shoulders. People crack under the pressure. The human spine isn’t meant to carry that much weight. 


Wharton Resume Padding Club Adds 3000 New Members

Last Sunday marked the first, and only, club GBM of the year in which only 20 of the club’s 7500 total non-board members attended. During this meeting, the club’s seven presidents and 15 vice-presidents each spoke for thirty seconds about the goals for the club. 


Penn Officials Enforce Weekly Covid Testing By Breaking into Off-Campus Housing

The worst is when we get someone who starts screaming when they wake up and see you swabbing their nose. Like do you not care about your health? We’re trying to do you a favor here 


COVID-19 Can't Enter This Party Because It Doesn’t Know a Brother

"Wait, is that James from econ? He may be coughing and feel a bit hot but it must be from how sick and wild his night has already been." Frat doormen have an uncanny ability to diagnose COVID right on the spot and turn away those who they deem dangerous. 


On-Campus Housing Students Assigned Prison Wardens for the Fall

On the bright side, students are fed three meals a day from Penn Commons, which thankfully did not have to downgrade their food for the prison environment. 


Penn Frosh Excited to Thrive at Penn in Pain at Home

So what if I’m stuck at home with overbearing parents, shitty wifi, and the inability to go beyond my backyard?


BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Not Returning to Campus for Fall Semester

Citing financial reasons, she claimed that being on campus was too expensive considering her current measly salary without financial aid. Based on calculations run by her administration, she would be able to save much more money staying in a vacation home in Florida.  


Party Girl Jessica Has "Officially Retired" From Drinking for the Fifth Time This Year

It’s not even like a coronavirus problem. It’s just a me problem. Parties just aren’t as fun as they used to be. Once you wake up after blacking out in someone’s room for the fifth time in a week you really start to wonder what you’re doing, you know? 


Penn Sells Student Belongings to Pay Off Budget Deficit

Student dorms were raided for their packed up belongings and anything of value was sacrificed to the University. In the end, over a thousand Canada Goose jackets were collected, raising close to a million dollars for the University. Next, alcohol was collected and resold to the nearby frats that are prepping for the largest social gatherings they’ve ever had come fall.


GENEROUS! Penn Gives Students Half-Filled Fro-Yo Punch Cards as Financial Aid

Penn is happy to announce that this year, we are able to offer each student a punch card for frozen yogurt at one of the various shops near campus. Don’t worry, most of these cards are already almost filled out, so it won’t be long before you can claim your frozen treat!


Student Blows Up Kitchen Performing Virtual Chemistry Lab

 Drain cleaner? Check. Some weird unlabeled bottle? Check. A splash of bleach and detergent? Check. Maybe it should’ve been a red flag when all these items appeared on the WikiHow article titled “How to Make A Home-made Bomb”, but clearly if he just mixed the chemicals the right way, everything would turn out perfectly. 


Wharton Students Assigned Personal GSRs to Encourage Social Distancing This Fall

Now, instead of students booking out an entire GSR to cry and fall asleep in, they will each be assigned their own personal study pod. Each room entrance will have a gold placard engraved with the student’s name and their associated fraternity or sorority. 


Where’s Kendall Jenner's Pepsi When We Need It?

Who would have thought that out of all the methods that have been tried to get the attention of officials and calls to reform the police, all it would take is a single can of cold, sugary goodness?


After Grueling Day of Watching Netflix, Student Is Ready to Finally Unwind

 Kayla has recently decided to take on the difficult task of watching the entire Avatar: The Last Airbender series on Netflix. While it is certainly no easy feat, she has confidence that it can be done in a matter of two days. 


Professor Taking Her Class P/F Only Grades 60% of Student Finals

"I have already calculated it, and I do not have to grade all of your exams in order to retain my job as a professor at Penn for the next semester. Actually, I only need to submit precisely 60% of your grades on PenninTouch."


Rachel Offers Free Spaghetti Eating ASMR During Zoom Class

As Rachel Connolly (E ‘22)  slurped, slopped, and slogged back her plate of spaghetti, it was difficult for anyone to focus on what was being presented on the slides. People attempted to type in chat to draw her attention to heroically save her from a lifetime of embarrassment but to no avail. 


OP-ED: Penn Should Let Students Choose Their Own Grade

That girl from your chem class that had to get her eyes rinsed three times this semester? Definitely knows she deserves a B- at best. And for you, the one person in your class that actually gets your work done on time and perfectly crafts every essay and problem set despite being drunk or hungover the entire weekend? The coveted A+, reserved for only the worthiest of students. 


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