Although this event of biblical importance happened over two months ago now, its impact on human life will forever and always be marked as a measurement of excellence and achievement.

I had many laughs.

Beep boop beep boop.

How could I disobey such an important cause, such a vital commandment? 

MANIFESTATION IS REAL IF YOU SKIP THIS ARTICLE YOU WILL HAVE BAD KARMA FOREVER!!!! AND A PIANO WILL DROP ON YOUR HEAD AT 11:11PM!!!!!!

 I must conquer both my quirky, boyish, relatable self, and my petite, teeny-tiny, hourglass figure.

“Where the fuck am I supposed to drink margs for a pregame now, Copa? Have you fucking had their margaritas?” 

We have been alerted that these lovely women love birdwatching, and often are missing from their rooms at night searching for owls. “We love owls.”

Johnson shares that she was ultimately unsuccessful in her appeal, but is not giving up on “fighting the good fight.”

Tonight, like a phoenix from the ashes, you will steal that Aritizia Superpuff that was so delicately, so playfully tossed across the Natty Light puddle beneath your feet. It’s fate.

Penn actually cares about us so super duper much. So much, in fact, that they are now requiring on-campus housing for life! We get to live in West Philly for...ever!!!!!!!

Thanks to this campus-wide fundraiser, Penn fraternities have been able to end women’s suffrage in multiple countries, including Canada, Mesopotamia, Texas, ancient Greece, and the USSR.

As the Penn community awaits Magill taking over Gutmann’s presidency, many have assumed that tensions between the two women are high. These people are sorely mistaken—the only thing getting high is them! 

This is the new Freshman experience.

It is rumored that similar initiatives will take place campus-wide, renaming Speakman hall and Perelman quadrangle to Speakwoman and Perelwoman, respectively.

Yeah, I’m sorry man, I can’t let all of you guys in unless you know other brothers in the house. I don’t make the rules! Well…actually…I kind of do.

No, I don’t understand what the fuck a supply shortage is and why it is causing the Starbucks on 40th and Walnut to be out of stock of the breakfast sandwich I eat every single day. 

After substantial criminology work including DNA samples, black light samples, saliva tests, interviews, and anal probing, we were able to uncover that Williams did indeed lie about her age, hence her altercation with NOTO security.

How can Wharton students go into the business world successfully without reciting Barbara Frischmuth's feminist theory auto-biography Die Klostureschule (in original German) by memory?

After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you.