Our endorsement comes at a critical time for democracy. We need to choose progress over stagnation; people over profits; stability over chaos; profits over people; we need to choose [INAUDIBLE MUTTERING] to be the next President of the United States.

10 tips from the hottest social climbers in University City. 

Early reports indicate that this incident will spell the end of her professional career before it’s even begun.

Kim has so far been the subject of publications such as “Measuring the Sensitivity of Japanese Consumers to Inflation by Tracking Lucas Kim’s Valorant Purchases” and “Queering Representations of the East Asian Diaspora: Conversations with Lucas Kim, a Heterosexual Man.”

Cheery “hellos!” and “good mornings!” were present throughout campus as students settled into their 8:30 AM lectures, with all present reflecting upon the fact that out of all possible worlds, the one we currently inhabit is the most promising one there could ever be.

As controversy brews over our handling of Penn Fight Night 2023, my guilty conscience implores me to break my silence. I, Ted Kwee-Bintoro, Vice President for Partnerships, Charity Affairs, and General Malfeasance of the Wharton Graduate Association, spent the missing money. But it went to a good cause: I’m doing a couple fat rails tonight. 

Thanks to my once-daily prescription of chewable 80-mg sildenafil from the men’s telehealth provider Himsᵀᴹ, I’m unafraid of “cancel culture.” While others stay soft, I get so hard that I turn blue in the face.

Missed out last weekend? Need a quick study break? Head on out back to the Academic Research Building!

A new report from my chauffeur explains I am very smart, and even if my parents didn’t go here 30 years ago, I still could have still gotten into the University of Pennsylvania.

Boston? Is that in Massachusetts? 

ABG? I think one of my friends interned there last summer.

 Through candid conversation, a consensus emerges: we should have affirmative action for rich people.

The renewed controversy comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.

 “Your English is almost as good as mine!” noted Philadelphia native Lily Gretcher.

“Wait, what dialect do you speak at home?” asked Liu. “Western New England English,” Wang replied.

Two authors offer compelling viewpoints regarding the ongoing UC Townhomes controversy. 

The news comes only weeks after reports that Penn alumnus Mehmet Oz (Med, W ‘86) directed medical experiments which led to the deaths of over 300 dogs. 

“Ending the University’s support of fossil fuels has always been a priority of ours,” she said as the Board of Trustees giggled behind her. 

“We project that [Josh Williamson’s] life satisfaction will truly reach a global maximum at 2:23 am tonight,” says Dr. Michael Harrison, director of the Center for Lost Connections and Lifelong Regrets.

 “Long live Xi Jinping Thought!” proclaimed Liz Magill.