APhi to Monitor Situation in Iran
The Department of State announced late last Wednesday that it would contract with the Alpha Phi International Women’s Fraternity, Eta Iota Chapter to provide intelligence on the rapidly evolving situation in Iran.
Ted Kwee-Bintoro
Snow Day Last Thing Keeping Local Penn Student From Killing Self
“The pressures of modernity have been and continue to be much for a sensitive young man such as myself to handle,” Zhang said in a press release.
APhi to Monitor Situation in Iran
The Department of State announced late last Wednesday that it would contract with the Alpha Phi International Women’s Fraternity, Eta Iota Chapter to provide intelligence on the rapidly evolving situation in Iran.
Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic
“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”
Snow Day Last Thing Keeping Local Penn Student From Killing Self
“The pressures of modernity have been and continue to be much for a sensitive young man such as myself to handle,” Zhang said in a press release.
Penn Announces Wasian Studies Major
The major’s inaugural class would matriculate in Fall 2027, with students taking courses such as “MUSC 4673: Traditional Wasian Music from Laufey to Olivia Rodrigo” and “COMM 0180: How To Announce That You’re Wasian Without Being Annoying About It.”
Local Asian-American Genuinely Passionate About Consulting / Medicine / Founding a Startup
Zhangzhang (Tony) Zhang stated that “solving the world’s most complex problems/helping the world’s most vulnerable people/creating things that people all over the world want has been [his] singular interest during his one semester at Penn so far.”
After Accidentally Eating Iftar Food, Penn Student Deemed “Muslim Enough” to be Deported by ICE
The news comes amidst reports of immigration raids at Columbia University, where students are allegedly being detained for involvement in pro-Palestinian protests, speaking Arabic in public, or otherwise looking vaguely ethnic.
The Daily Pennsylvanian to be 100% Chinese by 2050
When reached for comment, a representative of The DP replied “申し訳ありませんが、英語は話せません。”
Under the Button Officially Endorses Whichever Candidate You Were Planning on Voting For
Our endorsement comes at a critical time for democracy. We need to choose progress over stagnation; people over profits; stability over chaos; profits over people; we need to choose [INAUDIBLE MUTTERING] to be the next President of the United States.
10 Ways to Boost Your Social Status at Penn
10 tips from the hottest social climbers in University City.
Damnit! Local Student Rehearses Question Three Times Before Raising Hand, Still Fucks Up
Early reports indicate that this incident will spell the end of her professional career before it’s even begun.
Report: After Budget Cuts, Penn East Asian Studies Department Can Only Afford to Study Local Sophomore Lucas Kim
Kim has so far been the subject of publications such as “Measuring the Sensitivity of Japanese Consumers to Inflation by Tracking Lucas Kim’s Valorant Purchases” and “Queering Representations of the East Asian Diaspora: Conversations with Lucas Kim, a Heterosexual Man.”
Breaking: The Weather is Beautiful and Nothing Could Go Wrong This Week
Cheery “hellos!” and “good mornings!” were present throughout campus as students settled into their 8:30 AM lectures, with all present reflecting upon the fact that out of all possible worlds, the one we currently inhabit is the most promising one there could ever be.
OP-ED: Sorry I Took That $90k. It Went to a Better Cause.
As controversy brews over our handling of Penn Fight Night 2023, my guilty conscience implores me to break my silence. I, Ted Kwee-Bintoro, Vice President for Partnerships, Charity Affairs, and General Malfeasance of the Wharton Graduate Association, spent the missing money. But it went to a good cause: I’m doing a couple fat rails tonight.
Has This Generation Gone Too Soft? Not Me, Thanks to Himsᵀᴹ
Thanks to my once-daily prescription of chewable 80-mg sildenafil from the men’s telehealth provider Himsᵀᴹ, I’m unafraid of “cancel culture.” While others stay soft, I get so hard that I turn blue in the face.
SPONSORED: Class Board 2026 Offering Free Professional Backshots in ARB This Saturday
Missed out last weekend? Need a quick study break? Head on out back to the Academic Research Building!
Report: I Still Could Have Gotten Into Penn Even If I Wasn’t Legacy
A new report from my chauffeur explains I am very smart, and even if my parents didn’t go here 30 years ago, I still could have still gotten into the University of Pennsylvania.
OP-ED: Oh, You Go To School Just Outside of Boston? Like, Tufts?
Boston? Is that in Massachusetts?
Op-Ed: What the Hell is an ABG?
ABG? I think one of my friends interned there last summer.
After SFFA v. Harvard, What’s Next for Affirmative Action at Penn? We Asked Two White Guys and the Daughter of a Shanghainese Billionaire
Through candid conversation, a consensus emerges: we should have affirmative action for rich people.
Amid Penn Biden Center Controversy, University Denies It is Housing Chinese Students
The renewed controversy comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.
