Zach Whiting
Articles
“Are You Registered to Vote?” Asks Woman Pointing One Gun at You and One at Her Own Head
There is a lot at stake in this upcoming election. Our democracy is on the ballot, and so is your right for me not to fill your lungs with more metal than a vape.
Paid Advertisement: Penn Mock Trial Team Searching for White Male Pervert to Play Role of Jeffrey Epstein
When we decided to conduct a mock Epstein trial, we knew that we needed someone who committed the same exact crimes as Jeffrey, down to the smallest, most minute detail.
How Was My Summer Internship? Two Words: Clash of Clans Town Hall Level Seven
Life is suffering, and the only way to alleviate it is Clash of Clans or percocets.
Failure: My Summertime Tony Soprano Arc Was Nothing More Than Excessive Lunchmeat and Uncontrollable Anger
Real Italians live in New Jersey, and they say words like gabagool and moozarell and manicot.
"Girl, Are You Meek Mill? Because I've Been Having Dreams and Nightmares Bout Dat Azz" and Other Authentic Philly Pickup Lines
Girl, are you a jawn?
Mark’s Cafe to Relocate From Van Pelt Basement to Chicago’s O-Block to Reduce Chances of Being Robbed
What could have caused this? Hmm. Maybe it’s the fact that you stole so many frozen chicken pot pies that they keep a portrait of you in every Perdue factory farm?
Red, Blue…Too Many Colors! Incoming Freshman Doesn’t Know Whether to Throw Up Crip or Blood
These freshmen just come to their Quaker Day, see a mirage of colors, grab the first bandana they see, and get straight to the felonies.
When Penn Became Communist China: The Day I Had to Go Around the Fence on Locust Walk
Next thing you know, you're transferring out of Wharton and into the School of Working Makeshift Iron Blast Furnaces on the College Green.
Hill Dining Hall Harvests the Meat From Biopond, Lights Up the Grill
For months we’ve been getting complaints that our ingredients aren’t clean. How can anything be cleaner than meat that was literally just washed in water?
Such Beautiful Weather: I Can Finally Gallop Shirtless Through the Quad Again Like the Stallion I Am
You try to speak. I silence you with a forceful yet caring neigh. You gaze into my eyes, stunned at my display of horsey power. I lean in and whisper into your ear the wise words of 90’s R&B icon Ginuwine: Ride this pony.
We’re Both Thinking It: Let’s Turn This Coffee Chat Into a Crack-Cocaine Chat
Oh, what’s my major? I’m really glad you asked, it’s LET’S CUT THE FUCKING BULLSHIT AND SMOKE SOME CRACK-COCAINE.