Mr. Clean to Step up as University Co-President

In a private interview with Penn’s favorite publication (Under the Button), Amy Gutmann announced some exciting news: none other than Mr. Clean will be stepping up as Gutmann’s Co-President this upcoming semester. “Our concerns about COVID-19 are real, we are taking this pandemic very seriously, but we also want to open because we are, um, ah, committed to quality education. For that reason, the tall, handsome, Mr. Clean will be helping us out this fall,” informed Gutmann blushing. “If he ever needs help, or gets lost on campus, or needs a back massage, or anything really, I’ll be sure to help.”  

We turned to the administration to see what they think of the new hire. “We love Mr. Clean, he allows us to both keep students safe from Coronavirus and also maintain the University’s history of white presidents, which is a major plus,” they explained. When negotiating his contract, Mr. Clean promised that he would exclusively wear all white (matching his eyebrows) to reinforce this message.

Students are thrilled by the news of the new co-president and some students have even started a fan club. “He’s just so strong and muscular,” giggled the vice president of the Mr. Clean Fan Club, Abby Thomas (C ‘22), “and I don’t know him, but I think he’s a bit of a baddie, just look at that earring!” she elaborated. We thought it was strange that we were meeting with the club's Vice President and asked who the President of the fan club is. Thomas got quiet, looked down shuffling her feet, and muttered something that sounded vaguely like “Amy G.”

Mr. Clean declined to comment on his fan club and instead stated, “I’m just here to keep the campus as safe as possible, I’m sure we will have a successful semester together,” without any hint of emotion. UTB is glad to hear that Penn’s number one priority is student safety and that President Gutmann has decided to keep school open in the fall, regardless of why she decided to do so.